Secret
by AmyHale
Summary: AU: Derek has a fifteen-year-old secret he never shared with Meredith, and his life is turned upside down when this secret suddenly shows up and asks for the love he should feel towards her.
1. Prologue: Even Angels Cry

**Secret**

**Prologue**

**-Even Angels cry-**

Peyton Addison Shepherd had always been an optimistic person. She was fifteen, but from the moment she was born life had given her a hard time. Not always to her directly, but to her family. When she and her twin brother Daniel were merely three months old, his parents noticed there was something wrong with him. The baby was brought to so many doctors, but the diagnosis was the same each time: Daniel Derek Shepherd was deaf-mute, and his disease couldn't be cured.

Peyton and Daniel's father left them almost immediately after that. He just claimed he couldn't do it, kissed Peyton on the top of her dark-haired head and took off to god-knows-where. Addison, their mother, had spent the next decade of her life struggling to be a single mom and a surgeon at the same time, and she had had to learn how to communicate with her son without words and spoken answers. But Addison was the strongest woman Peyton knew, and she never made her children feel like something was missing from their lives. Every day, when they woke up, she told them how much she loved them, and before they went to sleep she didn't fail to assure them that their father loved them, too, from wherever he was. She taught them to see the good side of each bad thing that happened, and made them believe in a God they didn't always feel close. A God that had disappeared from Peyton's life when the twins were eleven, and Daniel got cancer.

_As__if__it__wasn't__already__bad__enough,_ Peyton couldn't help but sadly think. She loved her brother, he was the person she loved the most in the world. She loved how he always looked so innocent and pure, so happy and relax and immune to sadness. Daniel was an amazing person, and Peyton couldn't not look up to him. He was always on her mind, through everything she did. And at the end of the day, Daniel was always the smiley one, the one to cheer her and Addison up. Even when, after three and a half years, his cancer still wasn't gone.

_**x**_

Peyton applied some more lipgloss and stared down at her dress. It was black, short and one of her favorites. She looked good in it, but although every other day she would be happy to look pretty, today was not it. Today was her brother's funeral, and that meant her person, her half, her best friend, was truly gone forever, no coming back.

The fifteen-year-old girl looked into the mirror again, and stared into her own eyes. They were still a little red from all the crying, but they were Daniel's eyes nonetheless and Peyton felt a sharp pain on her heart as she thought of him. She could almost see him in front of her, because apart from the length of their hair and their gender, Peyton and Daniel looked so much alike. Same dark brown curls, same long eyelashes, same little mole on their left cheek. Same height. But now Daniel was gone, and Peyton was left alone with her emptiness. Sure, there was their mother, but she was a broken wreck herself.

With a sigh, Peyton finally opened the bathroom door and walked out, ready to face everyone else. Her mother was on the edge of a breakdown, and her Uncle Mark protectively rubbed her back hoping it would help her stay calm. Mark was not really her uncle; he was her father's best friend until the moment he left and Mark had chose not to have nothing to do with him anymore. He was a great help, and Peyton was sure he would make her feel better if she went to talk to him.

"Hey Uncle Mark." with a shy smile, she leaned in to kiss his cheek, but couldn't bring herself to touch her mother. She just look so broken, and Peyton knew she would be crying soon, they both would. It was all so sad, so unfair. Neither one of them had ever thought it would happen.

_**x**_

Peyton looked back again, biting her lip. She felt as her heart was exploding, but she didn't really saw it as a bad thing. She didn't feel anything else, really. Her mother was making small talk with some of her friends or colleagues who had come and were uselessly trying to comfort her, and her Uncle Mark had left to buy more _something_, Peyton didn't pay attention when he told her.

She quickly pushed a change of clothes and some money in her bag, checking to have her mother's credit card with her. She hurried down the wooden stairs of their house, leaving a note on the coffee table. Everyone was outside in the garden for the reception, and they wouldn't notice immediately. Addison was going to be scared out of her mind once she realized she was gone, but she didn't want to think about that. All Peyton knew was that she needed to get out. Out of that house, out of that life, maybe even out of that state.

_**x**_

"Hello. Can I help you? Are you looking for someone?"

Peyton turned around and pushed back a lock of her hair. A young woman, probably a nurse, was smiling at her, and she tried to smile back.

"Yeah, sure... I'm looking for a doctor actually. Dr... Dr Derek Shepherd. I am, I am his daughter."

"You are his _what_?" another voice screeched, and Peyton turned around again.

**Should I continue?**

**I know I have other stories in progress, but I assure you that I have a lot of almost-finished chapters. "Love, Love, Love", "The story of a girl", "Your eyes are as blue as the deep ocean" and even "Once a year" should all be updated by the end of the week, or at least a couple of them.**

**Today I was sick and spent all day in bed, and found an old fic I started long ago, called _Secret_. Some of you may remember it, it had the same plot, although Daniel didn't get cancer and the twins were seven. If you're interested, I'll continue, otherwise I'll stop and focus in my other stories.**


	2. The Memory Keeper's Daughter

**Secret**

**Chapter One**

**-The Memory Keeper's Daughter-**

There was a girl in front of her, probably around her own age, Peyton guessed. She had black straight hair, pulled back by a light pink hair-band, and Peyton could see her braces through the girl's grimace.

"I said I'm his daughter. I'm not surprised you don't know who I am though, the bastard probably kept me a secret." she answered through clenched teeth as her eyes narrowed in anger. Then, she shook her head and looked straight into the other girl's eyes. "Who are you? I heard he's well-known around here... Head of the neuro department, right?"

"You, you, you are not his daughter!" she yelled, and Peyton shrugged, unimpressed.

"Yeah, well, not really. Meaning he was never there for me or... Daniel. But biologically, I unfortunately am Derek Shepherd's daughter. And believe me when I say I would rather not."

Peyton looked at where the nurse had been a minute earlier, but she was gone. She glanced around and saw some signs that indicated on which floor each department was. Neurology was on the fourth floor, so she looked around again until she spotted the elevator.

"Wait!" the girl, who after a moment of shock had apparently followed her, shouted. Peyton blocked the elevator's doors to let her in, and she stopped in front of Peyton.

"Yes?"

"Who, who the hell are you? Because Derek Shepherd has no secret daughters, okay? He only has one child. One daughter. He only has, me."

Peyton opened her mouth to laugh at the girl's comment, but she stopped when she saw the tears that were streaming down her cheeks. Could it really be that way?

"What's your name?" she asked, flatly.

"Roxane."

"And how old are you, Roxane?" she questioned her again, her jaw and fists clenched, angrily.

"Thirteen."

"Pathetic." she pushed Roxane back, making her bang against the wall of the elevator. "Pathetic!" she yelled in rage when the doors opened and she could walk out. "That freaking son of a bitch! Damn!"

Peyton started to run, her mind blurred by the fury and pain she felt. She pushed away everyone who was in her way, and when she finally found the stairs she almost fell down since she couldn't see properly. Tears were streaming down her face too, now, just like Roxane. _God!__ How__ could__ he?_

The sliding doors of the entrance opened as soon as she got in front of them, and Peyton was welcomed outside by the pouring rain. It was only drizzling when she arrived, but now there were thunders and lightnings and she barely saw her own feet.

Gasping, the teen sat down on a bench, careless of the fact that she was already soaked and she could get sick.

Her dark brown curls were all flattened on her head, and glued to her forehead and temples. She ran her hand through it, slowly trying to calm down. _Take __a __big __breath,__ blow__ out__ some __air.__ You__ will__ be__ alright.__ You__ will __be __alright._

_**x**_

"What are you doing, baby?"

Roxane sniffed, and looked up at her mother with watery eyes. Meredith immediately walked by and wrapped her in her arms, placing soft kisses on her hair. "What happened, baby girl?"

"There was this girl, Mommy." Roxane sobbed. "She came here to the hospital." Meredith hugged her tighter, trying to comfort her. "And she was looking for, Dad. And, she, said, she was, his, daughter." she finally let out the words, pressing herself against her mother's body as more tears fell.

"What?" Meredith stuttered, trying to pull back to look into her daughter's eyes.

"What did you say, Rox?" they both turned towards the door of Derek's office, where he was standing, shocked, with a bit of guilt in his eyes.

_**x**_

"Peyton Addison Shepherd!" Mark yelled through the phone when Peyton finally picked up.

She had checked in in a hotel, showered and changed into dry clothes. The dinner she ordered was about to be delivered, but it would take another while, so that meant she had to let her family know she was okay.

"I'm fine, Uncle Mark." she sighed, turning off the TV.

"Where the hell are you, Peyton? Do you realize we're worried sick? What were you thinking!"

"Calm down, please, Uncle Mark. As I said in the note, I'm in Seattle. I needed to see that waste of space I have as a father with my own eyes, so that I could blame him for Daniel's death."

"Pey..."

"Let me finish!" she exclaimed firmly, but when she talked again in her voice there was just sadness. "He has another daughter, Uncle Mark. She's only two years younger than me. It's, it's not fair." she could feel the tears sting in her eyes, but she didn't want to cry now.

"Oh, Peyton. He doesn't deserve you."

"I know, I just... I am a part of him. Or at least, I should be. And now, I destroyed that girl's perfect life." she couldn't help but sob, and a shiver shook her body.

"Where are you, Peyton? You're somewhere safe, right?"

"A hotel." she answered, holding back more tears. "I have money, Uncle Mark. It's okay."

"I'll still be on the next flight."

"You don't have to."

"I do. Who else can lecture you about it? Your mother is locked up in her room."

Peyton's lower lip quivered, but she stayed strong, as she always did. As Daniel would. "How is Mom?"

"She's going crazy, Pey. Daniel's death is breaking her. And when she didn't find you..." Mark's voice trailed off, as he reminisced of his amazing nephew.

"I didn't mean to scare her, Uncle Mark. I just needed to get away for a while, and... I don't know, one moment I was thinking about it and the next I was actually doing it."

"I know, Princess." the man sighed tiredly, and Peyton imagined his red eyes and exhausted face. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Don't leave Mom alone." she pleaded in a whimper, suddenly feeling much younger than she truly was.

"I'll do my best, kiddo. I'll do my best."


	3. Sins Of The Father

**Secret**

**Chapter two**

**-Sins Of The Father-**

Peyton rolled over again. She couldn't sleep. Each time she closed her eyes she woke up an hour later, screaming, after a dream about Daniel, shivering and sweating. After it had happened five times, the girl decided to give up on sleeping and she sat up, resting her chin on her knees.

As silent tears rolled down her cheeks, she thought of how much she felt alone since her brother's death. She had never felt alone before. Her twin was always by her side, and they protected each other, were there for one another no matter what. Although Daniel was deaf-mute, they never had trouble communicating. Both her and Addison learned sign language, so that they could talk to him in his own way. Peyton had always found incredible how Daniel, though having a disability and a terminal illness, could be never let down. It amazed her, because even though she was optimistic as well, she needed more to get through the day. She needed friends. She needed to always be at her best. She needed to be the popular girl, the one everyone admires and who has the most handsome boyfriend. But what Peyton needed the most and didn't have was a father.

When she was little, she used to wish her mom and her Uncle Mark would get married, but as she grew up she understood it wasn't the real pith. Mark already was a father figure to her and Daniel, although he and Addison weren't a couple. Anyone could be there to tuck them into bed and buyw them birthday presents... all their life, they were loved. They felt loved. What Peyton needed now was the person she hated and loved the most at the same time.

_**x**_

Roxie was sitting on the floor outside her room, leaning against the closed door. She could hear her mother pace and yell in the master bedroom, as her dad uselessly tried to explain. Meredith didn't want to listen, and Roxie couldn't blame her. It was all so unbelievable, so crazy. Her father had another daughter! And all Roxie could think about in that moment was, _how?__ When?__ Why?_ Was there a mysterious woman somewhere, someone else Derek loved? The thirteen-year-old couldn't really bring herself to accept that. She always thought her parents were the perfect couple... always smiling at each other, always forgiving the other one after a fight. _But__ now..._

"A daughter, Derek, a daughter! You have a –" Meredith gasped, her face red from anger, her hair all messy because she couldn't stop running her fingers through it.

Derek thought she was beautiful anyway. "A son." he said, quietly, and Meredith stopped abruptly to finally look at him. When she did, though, she wasn't sure she was staring at the man she loved.

"There is also a son." Derek couldn't bear his wife's piercing eyes, so he looked down in shame. "Mer, baby, can you let me explain?" he asked gently.

Defeated, Meredith sat down against the wall, near the door, without a word. When she didn't say anything but just closed her eyes, Derek decided to continue.

"We were married." he mumbled. Outside, his daughter slowly approached the room to hear better. "We were young, and we thought we were in love, and it all seemed perfect. We were at the beginning of a great career, we had recently bought the house of our dreams in New York... and our fairy-tale got bigger when we found out Addison was pregnant."

_Addison_, both Meredith and Roxie thought. _So __this __is__ the __other__ woman's__ name._

As Derek talked and he lost himself in the story, his voice became stronger and louder. "It was twins, a boy and a girl. The day they were born was one of the happiest of my life, along with the day I married you and the day of Roxie's birth." he sighed. "A few months later... you see, everything was perfect until then. But then suddenly Daniel was deaf-mute and..." he stopped, rubbing his eyes. He felt like crying, but no tears came down. He looked at Meredith, who was now staring at him too, blankly maybe, but she was listening intently. "I left, Mer. I just... left. I couldn't do it. My son wasn't perfect and I... I abandoned them. Although Peyton was the perfect little girl, it just wasn't enough. Addison called, and called, and waited, sure I would change my mind and go back to her and the babies. But I didn't, and we got divorced. It was quick, you know, we had great lawyers and a couple of friends who helped us out. I never saw her again after I left the house that day. I never called to check on Peyton... never. I wanted to forget about them, and I met you... and you were fresh air. You were able to make me forget... so I didn't tell you. I know it was wrong of me..."

"What was wrong was leaving your children because of _that_, Derek." Meredith told him coldly as she stood up.

"But Mer, Peyton... I don't know why she is here. I didn't call her, I don't even know if I want her here..."

"She's here because she never had a father, Derek. And you're an ass."

She slammed the bathroom door as loudly as she could, making Derek wince. Tiredly, he stood up as well and glanced out of the window. It was still raining, he couldn't see the moon nor the stars. It was getting late by then.

Imagining Meredith wouldn't want to sleep anywhere near him, he grabbed his pillow and a blanket from the closet, and made his way out of the room.

When Roxie heard her father open the door, she jumped on her feet and made a step back. She always was told not to listen to other people's conversations, but after a second she realized this time was different and the look on her face changed from guilty to disgusted.

Derek smiled at her sadly, knowing deep down that the wonderful relationship he had always had with his little girl was ruined forever.

_**x**_

Peyton turned the light on and walked to the window. It was still pouring, and it was only three am. She certainly had a long night ahead of herself, especially if she wasn't able to fall asleep and she was left alone with her thoughts.

For a long moment, the girl wondered if she could call her mother. She would probably be asleep, or maybe watching some old photos of her and Daniel when they were littler and cancer wasn't a constant in their daily life. She didn't want to upset her, though. Like her, Addison was on the verge of tears those days, and she hated to see – or hear – her mother so weak and vulnerable.

So, Peyton emptied her backpack to check what she had taken with her. A pair of jeans, two t-shirts, a sweater, clean underwear. If Mark was going to come soon, she had to ask him to bring her more clothes. If he hadn't left yet. Then she had her i-pod, some cash, Addison's credit card. A photo of her and Daniel when they were twelve. She picked it up to look at it better. They were hugging, her faces smiling close, on a bench in their garden. Daniel had a hat to protect his bald head from the autumn's wind, and the twins were both wearing jeans and a blue hoodie. Addison had straightened Peyton's hair that day, so it was a lot longer than it already was, and for some reason it also seemed of a lighter shade of brown.

Peyton loved that photo, she kept it on her desk in her room, and she often got distracted as she studied when her gaze set on it.

The teen sat on the bed again, before grabbing her i-pod and laying down, her eyes closed. She hit play on _Daddy's__ little__ girl_ by Frankie J, a song that described her situation perfectly.


	4. Daddy's Little Girl

**Secret**

**Chapter Three**

**-Daddy's Little Girl-**

"Addison. Come on, Addie, eat this." Mark insisted, handing her a plate with some toast and fruit.

"I don't wanna eat, Mark, I wanna see my baby girl." the woman kept shoving random clothes in a suitcase. "And I hate to know that I might see Derek in the process, because in that case I'll have to let him know about _his__ son's__ death_."

At her comment, Mark finally decided to shut up, and with a sigh he walked in direction of the door. "I'm calling Peyton now, okay? Let me know when you're done so we can leave."

Addison merely nodded, the wave of rage suddenly gone.

She was tempted to shut all the windows and go back to bed in her sorrow, and cry peacefully. But when Peyton's face flashed in her mind, she pulled herself together one more time and quickly finished packing, grabbing some of the girl's stuff as well, knowing that in her impulsive actions Peyton probably didn't take many things with her.

Her daughter was alone in a city she didn't know, in a small hotel room, with her bastard of a father only a few blocks away along with his new perfect family. _Who __was __Peyton __to__ him__ then?_

With a sigh, Addison joined Mark in the kitchen. They were all avoiding the living room, because it was where Daniel had...

It was all still too fresh for her to even finish the thought, so she weakly smiled at Mark and mouthed to him to hand her the phone, desperate to hear her daughter's voice.

"Pey?"

"_Mom!__"_ her daughter exclaimed in a shocked whisper when she heard her voice. "Mommy, how are you?"

"A little worried, you little runaway." she tried to joke, forcing out a cheerful tone. "But I'm doing fine, okay? I'm coming with Uncle Mark this afternoon."

"_I know, he told me, but you don't have to, Mom."_

"Of course I do." Addison sighed. "What will you do today?"

"_I__ don't__ know__ yet.__"_ Peyton told her mother, although she was planning to go look for Derek again.

"Well, what's the name of the hotel you're staying at?"

"_Archfield, Mom. And don't worry, it's classy. And there's room for your shoes."_

"Very funny, Pey." she commented dryly as the teenager let out an amused laughter. It died down immediately, though, and for a moment the two of them remained silent listening to each other's breathing through the phone.

"_Mommy? Remember when you told me there was a reason for everything?"_

"Yeah, baby, I do."

"_Why do you think it had to be Daniel?"_

Addison had her answer ready, because she had been thinking about it non-stop. "Because now Heaven's a better place."

_**x**_

Since she skipped breakfast, Peyton had lunch early that day. There were still a few hours before Addison and Mark's arrival, and she started to feel quite bored. Her i-pod was dead and of course she had forgotten her battery charger at home. The girl looked out of the window, because she knew that only the rain could stop her from what she wanted to do. But the sun was shining, and although there were some clouds in the sky it was still far from pouring.

The hospital wasn't far from the hotel she was staying at, so Peyton decided not to waste her money on a taxi ride and walk instead.

The weather wasn't cold, so she actually found herself enjoying the city. It was a lot different from New York, of course, but still beautiful. She spotted a few shops and cafés she'd like to go into, but it wasn't the right time. Maybe, if her mother needed distraction...

Humming one of her favorite songs, she remembered of the time when Daniel had told her she was out of tune. They were six, and for a few minutes she forgot that her brother couldn't hear her, since she was too occupied crying and telling Addison to scold the boy. Now, remembering it she could only laugh, as Addison had done that day kissing her children lovingly.

Peyton bit her lower bit, pushing back the tears that were forming in her eyes. Daniel's memory was still too fresh in her mind, too painful to remember without feeling her breath taken away. As she walked the last few blocks, Peyton cursed herself for leaving her mother in a moment like that. They needed each other, and they could understand the pain they felt, even more than Mark who had known them their whole life as well.

Plus, she didn't really know what to say to Derek. So, _why__ was__ she__ there?_

_**x**_

Roxie squealed when she saw Peyton at the entrance of the hospital. She grabbed her mother's arm, causing her to ruin the signature she was putting on a chart, and yanked her.

"Mom!" she whispered agitated. "Dad's other daughter is here!"

"Where?" Meredith turned around abruptly and looked around, trying to identify someone who looked like her husband.

"There!" Roxie pointed to a tall, curly girl who was wiping away tears from her face. Meredith gasped when the teenager turned in their direction and she got to see her better. Her eyes weren't Derek's, but her mouth, her features... The woman felt like she forgot to breathe.

"Should I send her away, Mom?"

As her mother shook her head, Peyton slowly approached them. "Where is he?" she asked with a disgusted voice, not looking at them.

"H-hi, I'm, Meredith..."

"I don't care. I didn't come here to meet the bastard's other family, I wanna talk to him."

Meredith closed her eyes for a moment, inhaling deeply. "H-his office is on the fourth floor. Go up with the elevator, over there." she pointed at it, her hand shaking slightly. "Someone will tell you how to find him."

"Mom!" Roxie protested in disbelief. "How could you tell her, Mom, she needs to leave, not to see Dad!"

"She has every right, sweetie, every right to want to meet him. He's her father too."

_**x**_

"Come in." Derek looked up from the computer screen as his office's door opened. He froze, then leaned against the chair's back. He knew who she was without second thought. Although her face was deformed by anger, his daughter looked like an angel. He remembered her as a newborn, and though sometimes he tried to imagine how she could be, his mind never pictured her so beautiful.

"Peyton." his voice broke, and Derek cleared his throat. "Oh honey. My baby girl. I'm sorry..."

"Shut up." Peyton interrupted him, allowing him to hear his daughter's voice for the very first time. "I'm not here to reconcile with you. Or anyway, I have no intention of being nice to you after I found out about your daughter. I wanted to tell you... that I hate you. I am disgusted by you. And I'm glad you walked away, because that gave us the chance to become better people than we would have been with you. We are strong, caring people." Peyton's lip quivered in a combination of rage and sadness, but Derek didn't take the chance to talk. "Daniel was..."

The man watched as his oldest daughter broke down in front of him. He stood up, and walked to her slowly. He didn't want to scare her, or to push her away. If she had been his Roxie, he would have known exactly what to do. He would have hugged her, caressed her her hair, he would have told her it was going to be okay. But this was Peyton. She was his daughter as well, but he didn't know her.

Carefully, he placed his hands on both her shoulders and looked straight in her gorgeous eyes. "I know I screwed up, baby girl. And I know I don't have the right to call you my sweet little girl. But if you give me the chance to get to know you, I can promise you I'll make it up to you. And to your mother, and to, to your brother. Peyton, I know my words aren't much... but I've always kept you in my best memories. I'm sorry I left you, and your brother, but when Daniel was diagnosed -"

"Don't you dare say his name!" Peyton shouted, pulling away and crashing against the door she had closed before.

Derek winced. "I didn't want to leave you, Peyton. I swear. It was never you, I just wasn't good enough to accept the fact that my son wasn't perfect." Derek was close to tears himself, and he collapsed on a chair, his eyes still on Peyton.

"Daniel was the most perfect person in the whole world!" she yelled again.

"Peyton..." he sighed. "I never stopped loving you. I just chose not to be there, and while I can't say I regret it because it would be like regretting Meredith and Roxie, I can tell you I am deeply sorry for what I did. I don't really know how to be a father to the two of you, but I can learn. I can try, Peyton."

"Stop it! Don't you realize, you idiot? I've said it twice!"

"Said what?" he asked, tiredness investing him.

"I said 'was', okay? Because he's dead! Daniel is dead! Can't you understand it?"

**Sorry for not updating as quickly as I did with the other chapters. School took over, and today I finally managed to write as long and peacefully as I wanted.**

**I wanted to point out that Derek never had a problem with Peyton, he's always loved her. He just couldn't love Daniel as much, which is sad, I know. Anyway now Peyton is there and he can make up for what he did... I know in the last chapter it seemed like he didn't care... but he was just shocked and trying to calm Meredith down. In the next chapter, Addison finally arrives and of course she'll have to confront her ex-husband...**


	5. My Son

**Secret**

**Chapter Four**

**-My Son-**

Derek felt a retch, and dizziness almost caused him to fall on the ground. Air was stuck in his throat, and the man coughed, as his daughter's sobs increased.

_Dead? How could Daniel be dead? What could it mean?_

"I hate you! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" it seemed only fair to Peyton to blame Derek for the damn cancer, it was so easy actually. Derek wasn't there, he had left. Daniel, because of Daniel. It sounded good, great even, to yell at him. Like a release.

"How? When?" Derek chocked out, and Peyton threw herself against him. Her fists crashed against her father's chest, and Derek thought that she was strong. Maybe she did sports; probably being strong was a necessity for her.

"What's going in here?"

Derek looked up, only to see his wife standing on the doorway of his office with a shocked look on her face.

Suddenly, Meredith could hear Derek's sobs over Peyton's shouting. She made a step forward, hesitantly, watching his husband's secret daughter immobilize. Peyton's arms fell at her sides, her fists opened. Her accelerated breaths slowed down and finally she stopped crying, lowering her watery eyes so that she didn't have to look at Derek. Meredith slowly walked to her and carefully led her to a chair, moving it so that it was a little further from where Derek was.

He rubbed his eyes, wiping away the tears, but more of them kept falling. Derek needed to know. "How, Peyton? Please tell me how. I need to know." he chocked out in a sob.

Meredith froze. She didn't want to ask, she didn't want to know. But they both looked so broken, and lost.

Peyton started to shake her head fast, and Meredith felt tempted to pull her in a hug, but stopped herself imagining the girl almost certainly resented her in some way.

"What happened? Mom?" Roxie entered the room as well, biting her lower lip.

Peyton started to cry again, and Meredith caressed her hair this time. She brushed her hand off, and Meredith walked to her daughter then. "Don't worry, sweetheart. I don't know what happened, but it'll be okay." she held her close to her chest.

"Peyton..."

"I want my mom!" she made everyone wince when she suddenly yelled. "Or Mark! I don't want you, I don't wanna be here anymore. And I want Daniel back, because I miss him like crazy, and if one of us had to die it should have been me!"

Derek raised his eyes abruptly to look at his oldest daughter.

"I want my mom."

_**x**_

"Hello." Addison tiredly said to the receptionist. "My daughter got here a couple of days ago. Her name is Peyton Shepherd."

"Yeah, she left a message for you." the guy said. "She's at Seattle Grace Hospital and she's waiting for you there."

Addison sighed.

"That's Peyton for you." Mark stroked her arm. "Come on, let's go. We should call a cab."

"I can call one for you, sir." the receptionist offered.

"No, thank you. Come one, Addison." Mark led his friend outside, where the sun was still weakly shining. "You know, you don't have to got there. I can go, get Peyton, and come back here. And maybe hit Derek once or twice in the process..."

Addison looked at him. "I don't know if Peyton told him about..." she swallowed. "But as much as I don't want to see Derek, I think he deserves to know something like this. And you know how my daughter is. Happy one moment and ready to kill the next. I'll tell Derek calmly, explain when and how, and leave."

_**x**_

In Derek's office, the situation hadn't changed. Derek had buried his face in the palms of his hands, and Peyton, though calmer, was still shaking and crying as if she had endless tears. Meredith was still holding Roxie close to her, looking uselessly at her husband and his daughter, when a tall redhead woman entered the room. She made a step back when Peyton threw herself in the other woman's arms, sobbing again. Meredith saw a man behind the woman – Addison? – and wondered who he was.

Derek looked up as well, and Meredith could see how guilty he felt. Sure, it wasn't enough to forgive him, but...

"Rox," she whispered. "Let's go, okay?" she gave her husband a worried look. "Der? I'm taking Roxie out of here. I'll leave you some privacy, okay? I am sorry sorry about Daniel. I am, really sorry." she said the last words to Addison, and left without caring for an answer.

Mark closed the door and approached Peyton and Addison, starting to rub the girl's back.

"Addison," Derek's voice was weak and trembling, and Addison didn't look at him. "Can you tell me how?"

"I will." she said coldly, not caring about his pain. "Just let me hold my daughter a little more. I haven't seen her in days." despite her efforts to stop it, a tear tolled down her cheek, landing in Peyton curls.

For a second Derek thought that he could have been Mark, comforting his family in a horrible moment. Then he gasped for air and felt even more lost without Meredith by his side.

Addison closed her eyes, tightening her grip around Peyton. "He had cancer. He was diagnosed at eleven and he fought it so hard... he even went in remission, shortly, but when it came back it spread faster than before and... the doctors tried everything, but..." her voice cracked a little, but there was still another thing she needed to say. "It's been a week. It's only been a week, Derek."

Derek felt a sharp pain in his heart, then it disappeared and a wave of relief invested him. Now he knew.

**I considered giving Derek a heart attack at the end of the chapter, but decided against it. I hope I'm picturing the characters and their behavior in the right way... tell me if I'm not!**


	6. I'm Counting The Days

**Secret**

**Chapter five**

**-I'm Counting The Days-**

"Do you still hate me?" Derek said as he unbuttoned his shirt.

Meredith sighed, closing the book she was reading.

"Roxie isn't talking to me. I went to say goodnight and she said 'go away'. Peyton said she hates me. Addison won't show me Daniel's photograph. _My__ son__ died_, Meredith."

"The son you rejected."

Derek sat on the bed. "That makes it worse."

"You can't expect me to forgive you like this, Derek. I'm sorry your son died, but it'll take time. Right now all I could think about is that you abandoned them... you family... and it could have been me. I don't hate you, Derek, you are my husband, but I hate what you did. I'm sorry you're hurting but I can't help thinking that maybe you deserve it a little... I can't look at you without dying a little inside. I thought a knew you, and, and we have a daughter together... our beautiful Roxane. We both feel so disappointed by you, Derek, understand this."

"I do, Mer. I just wish nothing changed between us."

"It's gonna be different, from now on, Derek. Peyton might decide she wants to build a relationship with you, and in that case it's either she and Addison move here or you fly there every chance you get. Everything will change. Even if she decides she doesn't want you to be her father... you still are. And I'll know. So it's different."

"Mer." Derek grabbed her end, and squeezed it tighter when she tried to move.

"Derek, I said it'll take time. Just sleep in the guest room or I will."

After a moment of hesitation, the man sighed defeated. Though he wasn't ready to let it go, he respected his wife's wishes.

After he left, Meredith lay back on the bed again. It suddenly felt cold without Derek in the room, and it looked darker. Meredith wrapped her arms around Derek's pillow and buried her face in it, feeling the need to cry, but her tears didn't fall. She was exhausted, as if she hadn't slept in months. But every time she tried to close her eyes and sleep, Peyton flashed in her mind. Her brown curls, her watery eyes, her tense body. Her mother. And mostly, the ghost of the girl's brother – her husband's son – couldn't seem to leave Meredith's thoughts.

_**x**_

Peyton was laying on the hotel's bed, sending text messages to her closest friends. She left in a hurry and now she felt the need to explain her actions, although she knew they'd understand. She looked up briefly and glanced at her mother – she was typing something on her iPhone and seemed peaceful. The girl heard a quiet knock on the door, and Addison stood up to open.

"Hey Mark." she greeted him with a smile, though the man could see the marks of her dry tears.

"Hi, Uncle Mark." Peyton said, before returning to her phone. She selected Kelli's number, than wrote 'Everything's fine. My dad's an asshole but I handled him. I'll be back soon'

"When are we going back to NY, Mom?"

Addison turned slightly to look at her, and blushed. "Oh, I... the day after tomorrow, I guess. Unless you want to stay a few more days. It's your choice, really."

"What's with the blushing, woman?" Mark smirked, throwing himself on the bed. Peyton squealed, pulling aside as her uncle tried to grab her to tickled her.

"Come on, I am not a child anymore! Mo-om!" she shouted.

Addison let out a small laughter before biting her lip. She looked guiltily at her daughter.

"Your father asked if we all could go out to dinner tomorrow night, Pey."

"You said no, right?" Peyton and Mark exclaimed almost at the same time, jumping up with wide eyes.

Mark rolled his eyes before she answered, knowing she said yes. She would always say yes.

"I just thought – she's you're half-sister. I don't like it either, you know. But I've always wanted you and your brother to have a proper family, that's what I wished blowing birthday candles, looking at shooting stars. And now... that's not what I wished would happen but we're in it and I want you to try. Please. Just one night."

"Mom – they, they – come on!"

"You don't have to make conversation. None of us will have to. We'll just, stare at our plates awkwardly as we eat, I guess. I don't know why I agreed, Peyton, but it's just one night! I promise you, baby girl, we can go to the hotel after, I don't know, an hour. Or sooner, if you really want to go."

"Do you really want to go, Mom?"

"No." her mother answered honestly. "Just, he's the father of my children. Got it?"

"No, not really." the teen mumbled, but Addison was already making her way to the bathroom, and she knew it meant the conversation was over.

_**x**_

"I don't know why in hell I agreed to this stupid dinner." Meredith whispered to herself as they got out of the car in front of the restaurant. But really, she knew why. When Derek asked, all her body silently screamed 'no'. But she said yes, because she knew that otherwise Roxie wouldn't have gone. And she wanted her to, because after all, the sooner they accepted the situation and tried to deal with it directly, the sooner they'd learn to trust each other again. Besides, part of her curiously wanted to see Peyton again – because not only she was her husband's daughter and her daughter's sister, but since the first moment she looked at her she felt some kind of connection.

"There they are." Derek said and he started to walk faster; close behind him, Roxie snorted loudly.

"Hello." Addison said politely, but ignored Derek when he reached with his hand to shake hers.

Peyton inhaled air sharply. She wanted to walk away and join Mark at the hotel, or even just call one of her friends to talk. Anything but talk to her fath- _Derek_.

"Hi, Peyton."

"Hello." she forced out the words.

Derek smiled at her. "The table's over there." he pointed at it.

Roxane was the first one to follow him, but only because she didn't want to stand close to Addison and Peyton. She waited for her mother to walk over and she picked the closest seat to her. Derek sat at the head of the table at Roxie's right, with Peyton at his left. Addison was opposite Meredith.

As an heavy silence surrounded them, Derek realized he was the only man with four women that at the moment hated him very much.

A few minutes of complete awkwardness went by, then Addison opened her mouth to say something. Peyton's phone rang exactly at that moment, and she looked at her daughter. "We're about to have dinner." she said instead.

"I know, sorry..." she checked the ID. "Oh. Mom, it's Paul. _Please_."

Addison sighed.

"_Pretty_ please."

The redhead froze. _How__ many __times __had__ Daniel__ said__ that __sentence?_ "Just -" she needed air. "Go, be brief."

"Addison, are you okay?" Derek asked concerned.

For the first time that night Addison actually looked at her ex-husband. "How could I possibly be okay?" she stopped, knowing well that otherwise she wouldn't have been able to stop talking.

Roxie grabbed the menu and opened it. "I'll have some ravioli. And steak also. I'm starving."


	7. Bent Or Broken, It's The Family Tree

**Secret**

**Chapter Six**

**-Bent Or Broken, It's The Family Tree-**

Peyton got back at the table about five minutes later, apparently a little upset.

"What did he say, honey?" Addison stroked her daughter's hand gently.

"I'm not saying it in front of Derek."

"You could be a little less rude, you know? Or is it impossible for someone like you?"

Peyton looked up, fire in her eyes. "Less rude to who, to you? And _what __was__ that__ supposed__ to__ mean?_"

Derek had something on the tip of his tongue. But if he talked, it would have meant choosing either Roxie or Peyton. And he couldn't, as a father, not in that whole situation. So he just looked at his plate, wishing the waiter would come take their order and interrupt his daughters' bickering.

"So, Peyton, tell me about your school." for a moment Derek was glad Meredith took the situation in her hands, because Addison was glaring at him in complete silence.

"I _meant_-"

"Mom, you said I didn't have to make conversation!"

Addison sighed. "Honey, I just... I've already explained to you why I wanted you to come."

"Derek can't be my family, if that's what you meant. He already has a family and I hate him."

"Then why did you come look for me if I can't be your family and you hate me?"

"Excuse me, Sir, may I take your order?"

Slowly, they told the waiter what they wanted to have. "Thank you."

When he left, Peyton turned to her father again. "I don't think I was very lucid when I jumped on the plane. I wanted you to feel guilty, which you did. I didn't expect you to have a wife and a daughter."

"I'm sorry, Peyton." he offered honestly.

"You're sorry _you __had __me_?"

"Roxie..."

"I hate you! Haaate you!"

"See Derek, after all we _can_ agree on something." Peyton smirked.

"Okay, girls, our food is coming, calm down." Meredith said as cheerfully as she could.

Addison tucked a lock of Peyton's hair behind her ear and she smiled at her. "We'll survive this dinner, Pey. I promise." she said, although she wasn't so sure about it herself.

_**x**_

"Mmm... good morning, beautiful." Derek opened his eyes when he felt Meredith get on the bed of the guest room.

"Happy birthday."

There was a tray with breakfast on the nightstand. "I like this." he kissed her softly, but she pulled away.

"Sorry." she apologized immediately. "I wanted to do something nice for your birthday, but I guess I still feel the need to be wary around you. Just know that I love you, though."

"I know." Derek smiled. "I love you too, Mer."

She allowed her husband to hold her, forgetting for a while about his secret. She sighed happily and closed her eyes, relaxing in Derek's arms.

"Mom! Am I going to school today?" Roxie yelled from the hall. "Where are you?"

Meredith stood up, taking Derek's hand. "Let's go have breakfast downstairs." she picked up the tray.

Roxane was sprawled on the couch watching tv.

"Turn it off sweetie, we're having breakfast together." she kissed her daughter on her temple. "Say happy birthday to your dad." she whispered in her ear.

The thirteen-year-old scowled and ignored her parents.

"Good morning Rox." Derek tried.

Roxie glanced at him angrily and tuned the volume up.

"Roxane, it's your father's birthday, please. Try and forget about it for today."

"Forget about what, _Mom_?"

"About Peyton. And Addison. Please." Meredith begged.

"No." Roxie got up and started to walk upstairs.

"It's okay, Mer. I deserve it." he squeezed her forearm gently.

Meredith sighed. "Let's have breakfast, okay? I made your favorite things. And then there's the present."

"You got me a present? I didn't think I deserved a present." Derek looked surprised.

"It's just a little something."

_**x**_

"So, ehm, goodbye." Derek stood awkwardly in front of Addison and Peyton at the airport. Their flight was about to leave and Mark had walked ahead to give the three some privacy.

Peyton wasn't looking at her father. "Goodbye." she answered quietly.

Derek caressed her head, ready for her to pull away, but she only tensed. "I hope to see you soon, Peyton. I'll come visit, that I promise, and I'd be more than happy if you came here as well. Maybe during the winter break next month. And remember that you can call me whenever, no matter what you want to tell me or what time it is. I gave Addis- your mother my phone number and my e-mail, but you can also reach me at work."

The girl nodded, still looking down.

Derek turned to his ex-wife, who was staring blankly at them lost in her own thoughts. "I'd really like to come, and, you know, maybe visit Daniel's grave? Or see some photos. Just... I'm sorry. I'll never be sorry enough."

Addison exhaled heavily, annoyed. "I won't stop you from seeing Peyton if she wants to, but I don't trust you. I probably never will. Daniel was your son, damn, he still is somehow, but you were only a mere abstract concept to him. Nothing more. You want to see photos? Fine, I'll send them to you. Bring flowers to his grave, go ahead. But there's nothing that makes me more furious than you talking about Daniel as if you were his hero. You were not. He would have loved you to be but you lost your chance the moment you decided not to come back. It's not he that wasn't good enough for you, Derek... you were and are the one who never will be at his level."

"We need to leave." Mark said half-sternly-half-softly, putting his arm around Addison's shoulders protectively.

_**x**_

"So, Paul? What did he say?" Addison forced out a cheerful smile as the plane took off.

"Nothing really, just that he misses me and that my dad's an idiot for leaving me." Peyton sighed. "I wasn't taking our relationship seriously at all, but hearing his voice – he was so worried and caring and concerned – made me see that he's a great guy and I need him."

Addison smiled, hugging her daughter from her seat.

"Don't rush things." Mark grumbled from Peyton's right. She laughed. He was so cute when he was jealous.

**Guys, please read this. About Meredith's present for Derek. I almost made her pregnant. And I will stick to the idea, if you want me to. I don't wanna complicate things too much, but at the same time I also think it would fit in the story. Please tell me what you think. Also, who do you like more? Peyton or Roxie? And do you prefer the MerDer scenes or the other ones?**


	8. Without You, I Can't Breathe

**Secret**

**Chapter Seven**

**-Without You, I Can't Breathe-**

**A/N: I've come to the conclusion that a MerDer baby would complicate things too much at the moment, but don't worry fans, I'll stick to that storyline later on.**

"Roxie!" her friend Alicia waved at her from the entrance of the school, and the thirteen-year-old let out a nervous sigh before walking in her direction. She hadn't gone to school since Peyton showed up and messed up her perfect world, but now that her half-sister – Roxie shivered as she thought that word – was gone, her mother and father insisted that she went back to school. So there she was, trembling for the cold wind that messed up her dark hair, surely not ready to answer all the questions a lot of people probably had.

"Hi, Liss." she said, hoping her voice sounded normal enough. She was nervous and still enormously upset – and Alicia knew her well.

"What's up? Have you been sick?" she asked.

"Yeah," Roxie lied. "I had a horrible flu. I'm okay now, though."

"You're lucky." Alicia sighed. "You missed a lot of boring days of school. But I missed you, Roxane Shepherd. You know, there is this thing called phone and I believe you own one."

"Sorry, Liss." Roxie bit her lip, suddenly feeling guilty about not telling Alicia the truth.

"Rox! Long time no see, girl! Where were ya?" a tall black-haired girl appeared from behind Alicia, and greeted her friends with a brief hug.

"Hey, Elle. I was at home with the flu, and yes, I could have called. Sorry."

Eloise giggled when Roxie rolled her eyes, and she dropped a lip-gloss-ed kiss on both her friends' cheeks.

The bell rang, and Roxie glanced inside of the school. All the students were walking in, and she silently followed her best friends. For a minute she was tempted to fake a stomach bug and go home, but she couldn't remember if her father was at work or at home, and she didn't want to see him. So she forced a smile, and tried to listen to what Eloise and Alicia were saying. Apparently Morgan and Damien, considered the golden couple of the school, had broken up. Any other day Roxie would have joined the gossip and spit out some sarcastic comment, and she would have agreed to Eloise's plea to go ask Morgan what happened, but that day the girl was in her own depressing world.

"_Rox_."

She looked up. Her friends were looking at her, probably in wait of an answer to a question she didn't hear.

"Sorry. I just – I think I didn't recover completely after all, 'cause I don't feel well. I think I'll call my mom and have her pick me up."

_**x**_

Peyton noisily took place on a desk in the back of the classroom, next to the heater. She hid her face in her arms, and closed her eyes. The room was full of loud voices and noises, but they were weaker than before she entered. At least six people had already asked her how she was and a hundred had told her they were 'sorry for her loss', and it was barely the break between first and second period. Peyton didn't give a damn if they felt sorry for her, it wasn't gonna change anything. Daniel was still dead, her bastard of a father still had another family, she still had cramps due to her period. Maybe she should have just stayed home. Home, under the blankets, surrounded by silence. With her mother. For the thousandth time that morning Peyton felt a painful wave of worry raise inside her, and she gasped for air. But as soon as she looked up, she regretted it. Most of her classmates were staring at her, whispering, with pitying looks on their faces. The teenager repressed the impulse of jumping up and screaming, because she was sure that making a scene wouldn't stop the talking, but increase it, although it would have made her feel better.

"Baby!" suddenly, Paul was by her side, a hand rubbing her back, his face close to hers. "Surviving?" he whispered in her ear, and she shivered.

"Yeah." she answered quietly. "Barely, but yeah. Where's Kelli?"

"She said she was going to the restroom. Look, if you want we can skip maths. The teachers will understand, Peyton. I can stay with you."

"Okay." she didn't like maths, and she was close to passing out because of an absurd combination of hot, cold and heartache, so she didn't argue.

Paul stopped briefly after a few steps to talk to the teacher who was entering, his hand tightly holding hers. She didn't hear their words, but Mr. Thompson must have said yes because soon enough Paul was leading her to the backyard of the school.

Peyton closed her eyes for a brief second when she felt the cool air on her face. "That's better." she said, following him to a bench.

Paul grabbed her hand again, squeezing it. "I know it's hard, but you can do this. You're strong, I know you, and you're gonna get through this. You and your mother both."

Though she knew he was saying what he thought would make her feel better, Peyton couldn't help but cynically think that he didn't know how hard the whole situation was. Daniel died. Her brother. Her _twin_, for God's sake! Paul was an only-child, but even if he wasn't he wouldn't have understood how it felt to lose your half.

She vaguely remembered that there were two twin sisters in the school, but she didn't knew their names and anyway she didn't really think they would help her.

"I know." she answered, looking into his eyes. Paul was so good. He was able to warm her heart, to make her feel just a little less lonely.

"Okay." he kissed her forehead, and smiled. Peyton smiled back – it wasn't as big as his, her smile, but she smiled – and she let him pull her to his chest.

She closed her eyes, reminiscing of all the days in which Daniel used to do that.

_**x**_

When Roxie called Meredith, her mother answered her pleas with a skeptical tone, not really believing that her daughter wasn't physically feeling well. Nonetheless, she called the school to declare that it was okay for Roxane to catch the bus alone to get home.

What Meredith didn't say, though, was that Derek was home.

So, when the girl opened the front door, she was immediately stopped by her father's voice.

"What are you doing home?"

Roxane ignored him, but he gently grabbed her arm to prevent her from walking away.

"Let go of me!" the thirteen-year-old spatted in an anger made of hate.

"No. I asked you a question. I get that you hate me right now but I'm still your father and you're still my daughter." Derek's heart tightened when he saw a frustrated tear roll down of Roxie's cheek. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. Come one, let's talk about it."

"No."

"What happened today?"

The girl shrugged. "Just – nothing! I wanna be alone." tears were multiplying on her face, she couldn't hold them back anymore.

"Okay." Derek said, but he didn't let go of her. He felt like he couldn't. It was his little girl, his princess that he had been tucking into bed every night for thirteen years, and seeing her hurting like this broke him. Especially since it was his fault.

Roxane suddenly brushed Derek's hand away and ran up the wooden stairs to her room. She slammed the door as hard as she could and threw her schoolbag against the bookshelf, before letting herself slide to the floor in an endless cry. Through her own sobs, the young girl realized that for the first time she wasn't crying because his father had lied to her, or because he had another secret daughter, but because her brother she never got to meet was dead.

_**x**_

Peyton shivered in the crisp wind and fixed her white scarf around her neck. It wasn't late, but the sun was covered by the typical winter gray clouds and the graveyard seemed spectral in that half-darkness.

Though she hadn't been there since the day of Daniel's funeral, the girl had no problems finding his grave, and challenging the cold and moisture of the place she sat on the its edge. "Hey twin." despite everything, she smiled, looking at Daniel's picture on the stone and touching it with the tip of her index. "I hope you're having fun up there with the angels." she whispered, uncertain. "It's cold here. It's almost Christmas. The first Christmas without you." Peyton bit her lip, swallowing. "I met Dad. I _couldn't_ tell him, Dan! I'm sorry. Maybe I will, someday. But not now, now I can't be nice to him, even if they are your words. But bro, it's too... intimate... for me to tell him now. I feel like I hate him and... oh, Daniel. He has a wife and another daughter. She's thirteen. Her name is Roxane... I don't like her. She didn't know about us but the point is that she's living the life we should have had and I just resent her for it. Dan, I wish you were here. I miss you so much." Peyton sobbed, but tried to hold back her tears. "Why did you have to go, Dan?" she sighed. "Mom's so worried. Watch over her, Danny. I need you to protect her because I don't know how much longer Uncle Mark and I will be able to keep her together." the teen stood up, ready to go. "Can you like, show up in my dreams? I need you, Dane, you gotta tell me what to do. I'm lost, bro, I don't know anything anymore." she added desperately, glancing around. It looked like the night was coming earlier than usual. "I love you. Really, really love you. Don't ever forget that."

**A/N: I promise, there will be a lot of Addison and Addison/Peyton/Mark in the next chapter!**


	9. Sing Me A Christmas Carol

**Secret**

**Chapter Eight**

**-Sing Me A Christmas Carol-**

Peyton groaned loudly in protest when the ringing phone interrupted her dreams. She shivered – she had moved around during the night pushing the blankets away – and she quickly pulled up her duvet. Her eyes still closed, she reached for her cellphone. "Who the hell are you this early on my first day of vacation?"

"Good morning, Peyton." someone said awkwardly, and the girl instantly broke off the guilt she felt when, as she talked, she thought it might have been Paul.

Tired and still half-asleep, she sighed dramatically. "Yeah. What do you want?"

"I'm sorry I woke you up." Derek apologized. "I guess I didn't really think about it."

Peyton rubbed her eyes sleepily. "And?"

Derek repressed a sigh. "I... I just wanted to talk. Learn things about you, little by little. So, look, I had this idea... I was thinking that we could talk through e-mails. I mean, if you don't want to talk by phone. I know you don't want to."

"You're right." Peyton stated firmly as she sat up and reached for her red sweater.

"I was wondering, what have you planned to do during winter breaks?"

"Why were you wondering it?" if he really wanted to keep trying and build a relationship with her, Peyton wasn't going to make it easy for Derek.

Derek held his breath for a second and talked again quickly. "Because maybe we could meet."

"_What?_"

"I can come and see you. We could celebrate Christmas together."

"We have other plans for Christmas." his daughter told him harshly.

"Okay. And what about..."

"No, Derek. Goodbye."

After hanging up, the fifteen-year-old stood on her bed staring at the phone. Her heart was beating fast in her chest, and she took a few deep breaths to calm down. Deep down she dreamed about having a father, but she _couldn't_ be nice to Derek. He didn't deserve it and she was furious, crazily mad because of what he'd done to her and Daniel, and Addison.

Swallowing her rage, the girl exited the room, slammed the door, and ran down the stairs.

"I'm going out to run." she announced to Addison who was reading the newspaper in the kitchen. "Since when do you run?" she asked.

"Since your ex-husband, aka my father, decided to wake me up at this early hour with his rants." Peyton went to the coffee machine and poured herself some coffee.

Addison glanced at the clock. It was a little early (not that much), but since she hadn't slept more than three hours to her it was already late. "You don't like coffee."

Peyton sipped it, challenging its bitter and intense taste. "Neither did Daniel. Remember when we dared each other to drink as much as we could? The one who drank more cups would win."

"I remember." Addison said. She gently rubbed her temples. "I have a headache, I'll go back to bed for a while. Are you _seriously_ going out there to run?"

"Yeah. I'll be back soon, Mom."

"Cover yourself properly."

Peyton nodded. She kept sipping her coffee as she watched Addison walk away. It was already starting to give her nausea. Like in a dream, she found herself wandering towards the living room. She hadn't gone in there yet.

An invisible strength stopped her from stepping in as soon as she started to enter the room. Peyton wrapped her fingers around the cup tighter, because she was sure it would slip out of her hands at any minute.

She held her breath, thinking that if Daniel stopped breathing in that room, how could she go in there completely healthy and alive? From where she was, half-in half-out of the room, the fifteen-year-old scanned it with her eyes. It would have looked just the same if it wasn't for the fact that it was dark, and silent, and empty.

Daniel used to spend his mornings in that room, spread on the couch, lazily waiting for his twin to come home from school. Peyton remembered that as soon as she entered the house her mother would weakly smile and disappear in her room to quietly cry.

The girl swallowed. With shaky hands, she finally stepped forward and put the cup of coffee on a shelf. She went towards the windows and opened the curtains – the sun suddenly made the room brighter. Peyton stood there, her heart tearing apart, as she observed the room her brother had been in only a few weeks earlier. It had been such a small amount of time since Daniel's death that the living room wasn't dusty yet.

_**x**_

When she arrived back home, Peyton found all the windows open and she heard music playing as her mother washed the floor.

"Mom! I wasn't gone that long, I thought you'd still be sleeping." she was starting to realize that Addison didn't really sleep much.

"Don't worry, honey. How was your run?"

Peyton shrugged. "It was just a run."

"You should have breakfast, Pey." Addison looked at her.

"I'm fine. I'll eat in a while."

"What did Derek want earlier?"

"To see me. But I don't wanna. Well, I'm gonna try to skype with Paul, if he's online." she started to walk in direction of the stairs.

"Peyton, take off those dirty shoes!"

"Alright!" she kicked them off.

Once in her room she turned on her computer. She didn't bother to check her e-mail, knowing she would only find condolences messages. Instead, she connected on Skype. Paul wasn't online, but his cousin Lola who was staying at his house for a few weeks was. She clicked on her name and as soon as she answered she forced out a weak smile. Lola was nice and funny, and it saddened her to have met in such a grieving moment. "Hi Lola."

"Hola chica! Paul's still sleeping."

"I figured. I was woken up by a very annoying person. Do you mind getting him for me?"

"Will do."

Peyton saw Lola stand up. She waited for a few minutes, then the girl reappeared.

"He's in the bathroom, a few secs and he'll be here."

"Thank you, Lola. If you're doing stuff with your computer tell him to use his, it's the same."

"Don't worry, I have nothing to do. Plus, I could use something to eat." Lola winked at her, then looked up at Paul. "Here he is. Talk to you later!"

"Bye, Lola."

Paul sat down and smiled softly at Peyton." Good morning, beautiful. How are you today?"

Peyton sighed. "My father called me this morning. He wants to see me for Christmas."

"You don't have to, if you don't want to."

"I know. Look, just, listen to me for a second. I'm about to tell you something I haven't told anyone."

Paul nodded.

"There's a reason why I went to Seattle to see him. It wasn't to blame him for Daniel's death or to ask him to be a part of my life – well, maybe the first one a little. But the real reason is that my brother asked me to."

"Daniel asked you to look for your father?"

"Yes. A few months before dying, maybe half a year. He said he was starting to feel weaker and he knew there was nothing to do anymore. I glared at him and started to walk away. I hated when he said those kind of things. He followed me and showed me some papers. He had printed articles and other information about Derek's job at his hospital, he's really well-known apparently." Peyton sniffed slightly. "He told me he wanted to contact him, but that he didn't want to do it alone. He knew he couldn't get on a plane so he asked me either to go there or help him phone. Like, moral support. Well, I would have had to talk for him. But I refused, and I ignored him when he kept asking. And when he died – Daniel told me this thing the night he died. I was about to go to sleep, and he said it as if he knew it was our last talk." she paused and inhaled sharply. "He said to look for our dad and forgive him, because one day I might regret not forgiving him. And he said that, if I stopped being stubborn and decided to go to Seattle, to tell Derek that he loved him, and he told me to try and love him too because I needed to love him just as much as I needed him to love me back."

Paul waited for her to add something, but when she just swallowed and wiped some tears away from her face he spoke. "You don't have to have a relationship with Derek just because your brother wanted you to. It's your choice, Peyton. But I think you should tell your father all those things you just told me, don't you think? It would be like, a start. And then you go from there."

"It's basically Daniel's last wish. I should have contacted Derek sooner, found a way to let Daniel talk to him. He would have died happier."

"Daniel was happy, Pey. He died feeling loved and knowing he wouldn't be forgotten."

"But I should – I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to go, because that's what Daniel would have done and wanted. But I don't feel any connection to my father. He's Derek to me, not 'dad'. He just disappeared and now I find out he has a daughter – I could have been her. I wish she was me and I was her. Even if it's cruel and horrible and stupid, because I wouldn't have met Daniel and that's just -"

"Pey," Paul chuckled. "Breathe. It's okay. You don't have to decide now. Take a few days to think about it, maybe talk to your mom. It'll all work out. Okay?"

"I guess... I'll think about it. But I just, you know, hate him right now. I don't know if it's gonna change."

_**x**_

"Pey?" Mark walked in the girl's room and smiled. Peyton was sleeping on her bed, her hand on athree-year-old Daniel's photograph. "Hey baby girl." he walked up and touched her softly. She began to stir.

"Uncle Mark?"

"Sorry to wake you, but lunch is ready. I just got here with take-out, and it's already past one. I thought you and your mom might have been hungry."

Peyton sat up and stretched her arms. "Sure. Give me a minute."

When she walked into the kitchen a few minutes later, Mark and Addison were already eating.

"Hey."

Addison's face lightened up with a smile. "Hey sweetheart. Come sit near me."

She picked up the chopsticks and started eating her favorite chinese dish, fried rice.

She couldn't help but think of how Mark, who was doing his best to make her mother laugh, seemed a part of the family. He was. He looked like a dad, a husband. Not like Derek. It wasn't fair.


	10. Heart On Fire

**Secret**

**Chapter Nine**

**-Heart On Fire-**

**A/N: So in this story, Derek's father is alive!**

**A/N: And, after a few days of intense thinking, I'm actually satisfied with the first part of the chapter. If it still seems unrealistic, I'm sorry, I tried to make it sound as realistic as I could.  
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Derek swallowed nervously as he waited for someone to answer. He felt the beat of his heart as clearly as he could hear the _tuu,__tuuu_ of the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hello. Who, who's this?" he didn't recognize the voice. Did he dial the wrong number?

"Emma. Carolyn and Christopher's granddaughter. Who's talking?"

Emma? Derek closed his eyes briefly. One mistake and he lost his family. "I'm Derek, Emma. Your mother's brother."

Emma was only five years old the last time he saw her. She was twenty now.

Emma's answer was a pregnant silence; then Derek heard a more familiar voice. "Derek?"

"Hilary." Derek breathed out. Hilary was his closest sister.

"Merry Christmas Eve." she said.

"To you too, Lil."

"So, in your last letter you said you and Meredith were trying to conceive again; is this why you're calling?"

"No." Derek answered, wishing it was. "No such luck yet. I actually have bad news."

Ever since he walked out on Addison, Daniel and Peyton, his parents and sisters had turned their back on him. Hilary was the only one he didn't lose contact with, and once in a while they exchanged a few e-mails. In a mutual agreement, though, Addison and the twins were not in their conversations.

"What happened?"

"Have any of you talked to either Addison or Mark lately?"

"I don't think so, no. We used to see them when the kids were little, but it's hard for Addison to be around us. Why?"

"I was hoping she called you. I'm sure you would rather hear it from Addison or Mark than me. They probably were so focused on-" Derek stopped to catch his breath. Every word hurt him like a sharp knife. "Daniel had cancer."

"I know, Der. He was in remission the last time we – Derek? What's going on?"

"It came back." he whispered.

Hilary swallowed, and Derek heard her accelerated breathing through the phone. "No. No." she cleared her throat. "Are you – he's strong. He can't be-" But Derek's only answer was a low moan. Hilary's mind was racing. Her first thought was that, being Daniel's aunt, she would have felt it in her heart if he had died. He couldn't be dead. Not Daniel. She hadn't had enough time with him to allow someone to take him away. Not even God, or whoever was up there. The woman felt some of her relatives approach her, concerned by her paleness. She leaned against the wall to find balance again, then she inhaled a big breath of air. As the room stopped spinning, Hilary remembered Kathleen saying something about an email from Mark, saying to call him. She remembered the four missed calls on her cellphone that she hadn't had time to return, because in the middle of a house moving. She remembered her father asking if they had heard from Addison, because her house phone was disconnected. Questions came after memories. _Why hadn't she called Mark? Why hadn't he called just one more time? Why?_

"_Hilary?__Who's on the phone?__What's__wrong?__" _Derek heard his mother's voice. He missed her, but he knew what he had done was unforgivable.

"Call Mark if you don't believe me, Lil. Don't call Addison, she isn't strong enough to say it. It's still so fresh... – Tell mom and dad I'm sorry. I am so sorry, Hilary, just so so sorry, and if I could just-" Hilary hung up.

"Dad?"

Derek turned around and saw Roxane enter the living room. "That was your Aunt, Hilary."

"My grandparents..." Roxie hesitated. "Do they know... _them_?"

"It's the reason why they don't talk to me. They couldn't forgive me..." Derek let the sentence fade.

"Do they know about me? The truth."

"I truly don't know, sweetie. I told Hilary all about you, but I never asked if she told our parents or our other sisters. When I told Hilary you were born, I expected your grandmother to call, but she never did, so I'm not sure if she knows. I would like you to meet her. She's a lovely person, you would love her. And your grandad is such a good man, Rox. Unlike me." he tried to smile. Roxie had her arms wrapped around her own waist as if she was scared or nervous. "Maybe if Peyton agrees to me going to New York to see her, you can come with me so we can go to Connecticut and you can meet my parents."

"But did they like, stop talking to you just like that?"

"Yeah. But they had a justifiable reason."

"I thought they were, like, dead. And Mom said you didn't like talking about them, so I never asked you..."

"I'm sorry, honey. Your mom doesn't know much either. I will tell you about them, everything you want to know you only have to ask. No more lies."

"Dad? Can we pretend nothing happened, tomorrow?"

"Of course, baby girl." Derek walked closer and Roxie buried her face in his chest.

"I still hate you, though." she sobbed.

"Okay."

_**x**_

When Peyton woke up, it wasn't morning yet. She quietly slipped out of her duvet and went to the window. The sky was flawless, and all the lights of the City looked like shining stars.

Peyton walked to her mother's room, not wanting her to wake up alone on what was their first Christmas without Daniel. She almost screamed in surprise when she saw her uncle Mark on the bed as well. She hesitated, but she decided to go in anyway. The girl lay down between the two adults and closed her eyes again, trying to fall back to sleep. After a few minutes, though, despite her tiredness, she was as awake as ever. She rolled over, careful not to disturb her mother and uncle, and instinctively her mind wandered to her twin. She saw Daniel in her head. He was so clear, so close, that she was almost sure she would be able to touch him, reaching out with her hand.

She suddenly heard a gulp from her mother. Peyton sat up. It looked like she was having a nightmare. She squeezed her hand, but Addison didn't wake up. Peyton lay down again and soon she drifted off to sleep.

Several hours later, the fifteen-year-old was waken by the ringing phone. She tried to block the noise out, but it got louder and clearer and she groaned. She felt her mother shift beside her, their hands still entwined.

"Who is it, Mark?" she heard her say in a hoarse voice.

"It's Nancy."

Peyton sat up immediately when she heard his answer. "Derek's sister?"

Mark nodded as he handed the phone to Addison. He had already answered Nancy's questions about Daniel's death and Derek's reaction less then an hour earlier, but he had been able to put her off saying Addison was still sleeping. Nancy wasn't going to give up on this one, though. She wanted to talk to Addison herself, let her know they were all there for her if she needed them. Mark made her promise not to say the world 'death' and not to bring up Derek.

Peyton remembered the Shepherds. When she and Daniel were little they went to a few family barbecues, and she still remembered a few of her cousins' names and her aunts and grandparents. But she knew they were related to her father, and that was enough to make them appear less worth of her love in her mind. Nancy, though, had always been her favorite aunt and now that she had the chance to actually _think_ about her, she realized she had missed her.

"What did Nancy say?" the girl asked impatiently as soon as Addison hung up.

"She wants to see us soon. Do you feel up to it?" the woman actually had mixed feelings about the whole situation. She had always loved her ex-husband's family, but sometimes the fact that they completely cut their son and brother out of their lives because of her made her feel uncomfortable and somehow their reunions always ended up with her reminiscing how much Derek had hurt her abandoning their children. Eventually, it simply became too hard to see them regularly.

"I don't know... maybe lunch or something? But not the whole family, _please.__"_

"Oh God, no. I couldn't survive." Addison chuckled. "Merry Christmas, Pey."

Peyton smiled and hugged her mother tight. "I love you, Mom."

Addison rubbed her back and pulled her even closer. "I love you too, Love, you're my world."

Mark smiled at the scene. It was beautiful to see how much they loved and supported each other.

"I love you too, Uncle Mark." Peyton told him, causing his grin to become wider.

Addison winked at Mark, thinking that that day, for being in the most awful month of her life, hadn't started horribly at all.

_**x**_

"My oldest sister is Nancy." Derek started to explain to Meredith and Roxie that night, showing them pictures from a photo album. "She's five years older than me. She would always tease me, the way older siblings do to their younger ones. Then there's Kathleen, a slightly wilder copy of Nancy. She's a year younger than her and they've always been inseparable. One year after me, Hilary was born. She was the closest to me in age, and she's always been the quiet child, so we got along well." Derek smiled thinking about Hilary. "The youngest one of my sisters is Amelia. She was very attached to me, but growing up we grew apart and I honestly don't even know where she lives."

"You have a lot of sisters."

"Yeah." he sighed. It's true that you don't realize how much a person means to you until you lose them. If he could go back, he wouldn't leave Addison the way he did. He'd at least stay in touch with her and the kids. He would try to make peace with his family. Most of all, he wouldn't lie to Meredith and Roxie the way he did, because he knew he couldn't bare to lose them like he lost Daniel, Peyton, his parents and sisters. Looking at his wife and daughter, Derek was sure, more than ever before, that they were his rock, his sun, his certainty.


	11. Last Train Home

**Secret**

**Chapter Ten**

**-Last Train Home-**

**A/N: I've started a blog about my GA/PP stories, for whoever is interested. Right now I haven't put many things in it because basically no one knows it exists, but you can find the link in my profile page. I'll post my best stories, photos of my characters and spoilers and polls.**

Derek couldn't keep his eyes off of Roxie. For the first time since Peyton had showed up, she had actually sat down with him and asked about the life he had before her. So he told her everything. How he met Addison, their wedding, the birth of the twins. Then he talked about all the different doctors they had seen, and his denial. His thoughts the day he left, the words of his parents when they were told. His casual thoughts about Peyton every now and then.

Now his younger daughter was asleep, and for a while Derek smiled thinking that everything was alright. A loud knock on the front door made him wince. He sighed as he stood up, slowly going to see who, on the late afternoon of New Years Eve, was looking for them.

"Peyton." he chocked out.

_-Eight hours earlier in New York-_

"I can't believe you!" Peyton threw her arms up in the air, in a mixture of frustration, rage and incomprehension.

"I know! I'm sorry." Addison felt so guilty that she had tears in her eyes. "I don't want to go. I just need to."

"But Daniel's been gone only for a short time. You can't go back to work already."

"Pey, baby, it's an emergency. There are three people in the world who can perform this surgery, and one of them is retiring. I am one of the other two."

"And can't that other doc go instead?"

Addison shook her head.

"Fine. Go. Who cares."

"Peyton! You don't mean that!"

She lowered her eyes. She shouldn't have said that. "I know. I'm sorry. Go. I'll be fine with Uncle Mark."

"Okay." Addison smiled slightly, walked closer to her daughter and softly kissed her forehead. Only time would heal their wounds.

_**x**_

"Can you please eat at the table?" Mark told Peyton with an annoyed voice.

"Why are you mad?"

"I'm not mad. It's just – come eat at the table." he sighed heavily.

"Okay. Just let me finish watching this. It's a documentary. About cancer. I'll be there in-"

"Don't you think you know enough about cancer?"

Peyton looked up at him, finally removing her eyes from the screen. "You do sound mad. What happened?"

"Nothing. Come in the kitchen, please."

"I know, I'll be there in a mi-"

"You will be in there now!" Mark raised his voice.

"Mark! Really? Jeez. What the hell? I didn't do anything."

The two stared at each other, both surprised. Mark had only raised his voice at Peyton once in her life, and she barely remembered it. And Peyton, though she could be a hothead, was usually respectful and listened to him.

That night though, Mark felt anything but patient. He didn't want to discuss with Peyton about his screwed up family, but at the moment it was occupying a big part of his mind and he was not in the mood for his goddaughter's mood swings.

"Sit at the table, Pey. I'm not going to say it again."

Peyton bit her tongue. She was watching tv; it wouldn't kill anybody if she watched the end of the documentary. She really couldn't understand Mark.

"Did you hear me?"

"Fine." she spit the word out in disbelief. Collapsing on the chair opposite to Mark's, she started to nibble at the stick in her plate. "It's rare."

"Did you decide to argue with me about everything?"

"Did you decide to scold me any chance you get? I just don't like it rare. You know it. You've cooked it for me a billion times. You're just pissed off and you won't tell me why."

"Did it occur to you that I'm keeping it to myself because it's private?"

"I'm family. And I'm sure you would tell my mom."

"Your mother is an adult. She's my friend. You are my goddaughter and I swore to protect you from all the bad things of the world."

"Well, it's too late for that, Uncle Mark! My father abandoned me, my brother died and my mom is in another state!"

Mark sighed. "Peyton, let it go. I'm not talking about it with you. I'm not mad at you, I'm just angry and that's it. But don't put up a fight about everything. If you don't want the steak because it's rare, there are other things in the fridge." he hesitated, but then he pushed his plate aside and stood up. He hadn't been hungry in the first place, but he wanted to try and act normal for Peyton. Now, he was too tired of everything to keep pretending he was fine.

"So much for making me sit at the table." the teenager remarked under her breathe.

Mark spun around and glared at her. He wasn't sure about what he should say but the girl's comments were starting to really annoy him and that added to the anger he was already feeling wasn't going to have a good outcome.

"What? It's true. They were talking about new trials and a possible cure for-"

"Not now, okay? I need to be alone for a little bit. Turn the tv back on, if you want. And eat something. I'll be in my bedroom."

"I think I'll go out for a walk." Peyton answered him flatly.

_**x**_

Peyton glanced awkwardly around her. She was in front of a pub, but she had no idea of how to get in. She didn't have fake documents. She didn't know anyone who could let her inside. She was alone. Truthfully, she didn't want to be with her friends; their pity made her feel worse. For a split second she considered calling her mother. After all, she was the person she could always go to if she needed something.

But Peyton knew it wouldn't solve anything that time. Addison would have worried, she would have called Mark and made him go get her. She didn't want to go to his house, nor hers. So Peyton did what she did best in a difficult moment. She ran away.

_-Seattle-_

Obviously it was pouring. What else could she expect? The taxi that was taking her to the hospital got lost more than once, and Peyton felt exhausted when the driver finally pulled over in front of the building.

She didn't know whether it would be easy to get Derek's address from the nurses, in case he wasn't working, but she had no intention of sleeping in a creepy and bare hotel room. He would have to take her in and show her he loved her how he said he did.

_**x**_

"Peyton."

"Hey."

"What are you doing here? Where is your mother?"

Peyton avoided the question, glancing at the room at Derek's back. There was no sign of Meredith and Roxane.

"Come in. Meredith is taking a bath and Roxie is sleeping in the living room. Can I offer you anything? You're soaking wet. Do you want to take a shower?"

The girl hesitated. She would have killed for a hot shower, but she didn't want Derek to think it would be easy to be listened at. His kindness warmed her, though.

She answered with a barely perceptible nod.

"Alright, I'll show you the way."

Peyton took her time. She let the jet of water warm her and relax her, and when she was ready to get out of that bubble of steam she slowly dried her long hair and redid her makeup with the eye pencil she kept in her purse. When she walked out of the en-suite bathroom, she was surprised to see clean clothes on the bed. She didn't want to wear them, either if they were Meredith's or Roxie's, but they seemed so warm and comfortable. Her leggins and long sweater were still wet.

A few minutes later, she warily made her way downstairs, careful not to be noisy. Peeking into the kitchen, she saw Meredith sat at the table and Derek leaning against the counter drinking tea or coffee.

"Hey there." her father smiled at her, and Meredith turned around at his words.

"Hello, Peyton. How are you?"

She shrugged, taking a hesitant step forward. Why was she there again?

"Do you want a cup of tea? Or cookies?"

Peyton nodded absentmindedly. She had skipped dinner after all. She glanced at the clock on the wall, suddenly remembering about time zone. It wasn't that late in Seattle.

"Sugar?" Derek asked again.

"Yeah."

"Sit down, Peyton. It's okay." Meredith gave her what seemed a genuine smile.

She did sit down – but because she was tired, not because Meredith had told her to.

"So, your mom?" Derek couldn't help but ask about Addison. He had a feeling Peyton had run away again, and his ex-wife surely was scared out of her mind.

"My mom is in Pennsylvania. They needed her for a surgery."

"Oh." Derek took a sit at the head of the table, between Meredith and Peyton but not too close to either one. "And did she-"

"I was staying at Uncle Mark's place. But we kinda fought and I've always been impulsive so – I am here."

"_What_ is _she_ doing _here_?"

**A/N: So what do you think? What should Mark and Addison do now? What do you want to happen? Please review :)**


	12. Blowups

**Secret**

**Chapter Eleven**

**-Blowups-**

Meredith sighed. She knew she couldn't expect Roxane to be happy about Peyton being there, but the last thing she needed was a yelling match. "Peyton will stay here for a while."

"No way! Make her leave. She has a house; this is _our_ house."

"Rox." Derek shook his head slightly. He knew he had to choose his words carefully. He didn't want Roxie to feel put aside or excluded, and he didn't want Peyton to leave. He was skating on a very thin ice, and he could only hope it wouldn't break.

"I'm only staying for a day." Peyton spit out harshly, not looking at anyone. Roxane still was a very fresh wound.

"You are welcome here for as long as you want, Peyton." Meredith said softly, sensing Derek's difficulty.

"You're replacing me." Roxie accused her parents in disbelief.

"No one will ever replace you, honey. I know you are upset. You have every right to be. And so does Peyton." she glanced at the other girl. "You are sisters. No one likes this situation but from now on, Roxane, you'll have to share your dad with her." then her tone sweetened more. "It doesn't have to be a bad situation at all costs, girls. I'm sure once you get to know each other you'll find out a lot of great things you have in common..."

"I don't want to get to know her." Peyton barked.

"Me neither!" Roxie screeched.

Their father raised his eyebrow. "Well, see, you already have something in common." he smirked.

Meredith couldn't help but glare at him. "Why don't you two go to sleep?" she continued, eager to find some quietness. "Peyton, you must be tired."

"You're not my mother. I'm going to sleep when I decide to."

Meredith bit her tongue. Had it been Roxie, she wouldn't have tolerated that tone of voice. But Peyton wasn't her daughter, and though she was her husband's kid she didn't know her well enough to get a say in what the girl did.

At that point, Derek felt safe enough to step in. "You girls do what you want. But no yelling and no going out." he threw a scolding glare at Peyton. "Meredith and I are going upstairs."

A few moments later, with a last disgusted look at her sister, Roxie followed her parents upstairs.

Peyton remained alone in the kitchen. She wanted someone to hug her. Someone she loved. She missed her mom, but she didn't want to think about her because she would only worry.

"Derek!"

"...Yeah?" his voice reached her drawl.

"Can I have your mother's number?"

Derek came down the stairs quickly. "I have it. Though... I though you hadn't talked to her in years. Never mind. It's there in the maroon telephone book, under the letter 'm'."

"Okay."

"Goodnight."

"...Yeah."

Derek disappeared again, and Peyton went into the living room to be more comfortable. She stared at the phone, realizing all of a sudden her grandparents would be asleep. She really wanted to hear their voice, though. She missed them. They wouldn't be angry for being woken by her, right?"

Peyton pressed the phone against her ear. It burnt.

"Hello?"

"Nana." she answered, relieved. She was touched by the fact that that woman had chosen her over her own son. She had never thought over it before.

Carolyn felt her heart thunder. Was it her Peyton or Roxane, the granddaughter she hadn't been told about? Only Peyton called her Nana though, her other grandchildren referred to her as Grandma.

"Peyton."

"I missed you. I'm in Seattle now. But I want to see you as soon as I come back to the west coast." Peyton said, as if they hadn't seen each other in weeks, not years.

"What if I fly out there?"

Peyton hesitated. "I don't know... I didn't want to be here for more than a couple of days."

"Oh." she was hoping to meet Roxane.

The fifteen-year-old sensed her disappointment, and reminded herself Derek was her only son and that Carolyn hadn't seen him since she was three months old. "So... maybe if you come tomorrow, early, it would be okay. At least I'd have you, a person I know and who loves me."

"I'll be there to help you out." Carolyn promised her. As soon as the call was over, she woke up her husband and hurried to inform her four daughters. They were all looking forward to seeing Peyton again just as much as she was.

_**x**_

Addison was lying on the bed of her hotel room, wide awake. As usual, her thoughts revolved around Daniel and Peyton. She yawned when her phone rang. It was Derek. She didn't want to talk to him. She ignored the call.

_**x**_

Mark was frozen in panic. Around three am, he had emerged from his bedroom to get himself a glass of water. Checking on Peyton, he had only found an empty room. He hadn't forbidden her to go out; Addison would have let her and he trusted her. She would be better with her friends than fighting with him, he thought.

He called her quickly, but got no answer.

Of one thing he was sure: that time he wasn't going to let her off the hook.

_**x**_

Meredith awoke in Derek's arm the next morning. She hadn't meant to fall asleep against him, but Peyton had taken the guest room and she wanted so much to forgive her husband, so badly. Especially on New Years Day.

"I'm sorry." he whispered in her ear as soon as he noticed she was awake.

"Tell that to your daughters. Because I know, and I'm getting to the point of understanding, but they don't. You have to tell them."

"I love them. Both. So much. They remind me of the two women I've ever loved. And now that Peyton's here, I don't really think I can live without her."

"Then you have to let her know it. Because, you know, we could get up and find out she's gone."

Derek sat up. "Shall we go see the girls?"

"Just one more minute." Meredith mumbled kissing his lips. "I love. I wanna love you on New Years Day."

"Happy New Year, Mer." Derek gently pushed her back down. "I love you too, baby. So much." he ran his hands up and down her hip, till he reached the hem of her pajamas.

"Hurry, Derek. Please. I want you, I need you."

He kissed her deeply, passionately, feverishly.

"Meredith." he moaned.

She helped him undress, then he guided his hands as he took off her clothing. Then, Meredith cupped his face and looked him straight in his blue eyes.

_**x**_

"What are you doing?" Roxie hissed when she saw the other girl in _her_ kitchen.

Peyton glared at her. "I'm in the kitchen. It's time for breakfast. What do you think I'm doing? Idiot."

"Bitch!" Roxie yelled in answer.

"Fighting already?" Meredith stroke Roxie's hair but she pulled away with a pout.

"What do yo usually have for breakfast, Peyton? I can make you something."

"I don't need anything from you."

Meredith sighed heavily, just as Derek entered the room as well.

"Morning. Happy New Year."

"By the way. Nana's on her way here."

Derek stared at her shocked.

"Yeah. Okay. By the way, I called Mark."


	13. Chaos

**Secret**

**Chapter Twelve**

**-Chaos-**

Peyton's clothes were dry now, so she quickly changed back into them. She switched on her i-pod.

"_Tonight __I've __fallen __and __I __can't __get __up, __I'd __need __your __lovely __hands __to __come __and __pick __me __up_." she sang in an undertone. But the song reminded her of Daniel, and a moment later she was taking off her earphones and throwing them on the unmade bed.

She was starting to deeply regret her choice of coming to Seattle. She didn't even know why she had gone there in the first place. Mark and her mother were probably flying there to rip her head off, but as much as she was tempted to leave Derek's house her Nana was on her way too.

She heard the doorbell ring from downstairs. With a resigned sigh, she opened the door of 'her' room and started to walk down the stairs.

_Please __be __Carolyn, __please __be __Carolyn,_ she prayed in her mind.

When she got to the living room, Derek was awkwardly leading his parent inside, followed by Nancy, Kathleen and her husband Carl.

Peyton smiled and let Nancy hug her tight.

"I missed you, girl."

"I missed you too. Hi, Nana." she wrapped her arms around her, too, and then turned to Christopher. Having seen her father only in old pictures, she had never thought about how much he looked like his father. Same hair, same eyes, even their face was more than just similar.

Christopher looked at his granddaughter. She was different from the last time he had seen her; taller, sadder, definitely more mature. He stroked her cheek gently, but was unable to return her weak smile. She obviously reminded him of Daniel, and he still couldn't understand how his grandson could have died.

"Mom, Dad, Kathleen, Nancy, Carl, this is Meredith. And this is my daughter Roxane." Derek said, pulling Roxie forward with a smile.

"Roxane... hello, sweetheart, I am your grandmother."

"Hello." the girl said awkwardly. She was happy to meet her grandmother, since she never had one, but she didn't know what to say to Carolyn. She didn't know her after all.

"You're beautiful, Roxane. You look like your father." Carolyn continued.

"Ehm, thank you."

"Would some of you like tea? Or hot chocolate, or something else?" Meredith asked her husband's family.

"Some tea, thank you, Meredith." Kathleen answered politely. Hilary, who couldn't come to Seattle so quickly, asked her to be fair to Meredith, because she never knew about Peyton and Daniel. Kathleen found infuriating that her brother kept his own children a secret.

"I don't want tea." Peyton added.

"Oh. Okay. What, then?"

"Nothing." she told her rudely.

_**Roxie's POV**_

I couldn't help but stare at Peyton. She claimed she hated my parents, she wasn't able to be nice to them, yet it was the second time she came here, and Seattle isn't exactly close to New York. At first I couldn't understand why. If she hates my dad – I _can't_ think of him as _our_ dad – why is she here? Why did she ran away from her home, without telling her mother, taking a plane by herself to meet a person she stated to hate? Now, all of a sudden, as I watched her interact with her grandparents and aunts, who are also, strangely, relatives of mine, I got it. I got it because it's what I did too, after finding out about Peyton and Daniel. I didn't want anything to do with my father, I avoided him and was hateful towards him, but in the end I didn't really mean it. I still loved my dad, because he was my dad and I couldn't hate him. It's the same for Peyton, I guess. My dad abandoned her, and he kept her and her brother as a secret to everyone he met, but he's her dad nonetheless and she doesn't hate him. She wouldn't be here, if she did.

_**No one's POV**_

Kathleen was about to ask something to Roxie, but before the words could leave her mouth the doorbell rang and everyone turned towards the door.

Derek and Meredith glanced at Peyton, imagining Mark and Addison were there.

"Peyton..." Derek started.

"Yeah?"

"I'll try not to let them start the World War number three, okay? But after this, as much as I want to know you and want you to come here to visit, promise that next time you'll tell your mother first."

"Fine." she said. She had just realized that with Derek in the room it would have been easy to focus her mother's anger on him.

Derek opened the door, and was pushed aside by Addison. She scanned the room until her tired eyes landed on her daughter.

" .Shepherd." Addison hissed. Mark, behind her, decided to keep quiet and watch.

Peyton sighed. "Mom. I'm sorry, okay? I don't know why I did it and I'm sorry. And I'm not gonna do it again."

"Do you have any idea of what could have happened? I didn't say anything the first time you flew out here, but it's dangerous, Peyton! People might realize you're alone, and someone could kidnap you!"

"_Kidnap me_? Planes are pretty crowed, mom."

"She's right, Peyton."

Peyton's head jerked towards Derek, while Addison glared at him half-annoyed, half-amused.

His fifteen-year-old daughter was staring at him with her mouth open, in utter surprise. "I thought you were gonna be on my side!" she exclaimed.

Derek shrugged. He honestly didn't know what to tell her. The comment he made in favor of Addison had been automatic, unpremeditated. He meant to plump for Peyton but ended up supporting Addison's lecture. He was a parent, and the parent in him was winning over the guilt he felt towards Peyton.

"I am on your side, Peyton. That's why I would rather not be told you've been kidnapped. We can make it work, you know. We'll all have to try hard, but we can do it if you want. You can come here every time you feel like it. We can make arrangements for you to come here during school breaks, and I can visit you on weekends. But no taking planes alone, okay?"

Addison's anger disappeared completely hearing her ex-husband talking like that to their daughter, It was all she ever wanted, a father for her children. Now one of her children was gone, and Derek had another family, but she literally fell for his words. For a moment, she wanted to believe he meant it, and that they could really make it work.

"Addison? Maybe we should sit down and properly talk about it with Derek and his wife." Mark suggested. He was still pretty mad at his goddaughter, but acknowledged the fact that she needed Derek in her life. He knew it had taken her all her strength and courage to go there and face him, and he also knew she wouldn't have been able to say out loud what she wanted.

Addison looked at Meredith. They both nodded slightly.

"Let's go to the kitchen. Peyton, what about you think about it, and in the meanwhile your mother and I work out a few possible options and then tell you about it? It's your decision in the end, alright?"

She nodded. It was becoming real! She hadn't really realized how much she wanted it until Derek started to talk about it in a serious way. Like he meant it. It was hard for her to think he was lying in a moment like that.

"Go sort it out, we'll stay here with the girls and have a nice chat. We have a lot to talk about too, after all." Carolyn said.

Addison smiled at her gratefully. She had missed Carolyn.

"Uncle Mark?" Peyton called out before he walked out of the room. "I'm sorry I left without saying anything. And I'm sorry we had a fight."

Mark smiled slightly. "We'll talk about it later, okay? Thank you for apologizing."

"Had it been me to run away like that, my mom would have grounded me _forever_." Roxie mumbled after they all left.

Peyton looked at her. "It's different for me. My brother's just died."

"My brother's just died too." Roxie reminded her. Daniel had been her brother too, for all the thirteen years of her life, even if she didn't know about his existence.

_**x**_

Roxie glanced at Peyton. She was reading different options Addison, Mark and her parents worked out, and she was dying to know what they said.

Peyton finally looked up to her mother. "I think the first one is okay." she told her.

Addison nodded encouragingly. "Alright. It's all set then. You'll stay here for a few more days, and you'll be here during all the school breaks, except for summer, because you'll spend half of it in New York and half of it in Seattle, and Christmas Day, when you'll be with me. Is it what you want, Peyton?" she asked one more time, just to be sure.

"I think it is. It is, yeah."

**A/N: Sorry it took me so much to update! Please leave a review!**


	14. Beautiful Day

**Secret**

**Chapter Thirteen**

**-Beautiful Day-**

Meredith was preparing something for breakfast. She wanted it to be big. She wanted that day to be as special as she could make it, because it was the last day of Peyton being there. After that, they would see her for a few weekends if either Derek or Addison could take a few days off, or at spring break.

Those days spent with the girl had surprisingly gone smoothly. Sure, she wasn't completely nice to her, Derek and Roxie, but she was starting to open up just a little bit. She came down for breakfast every morning, and one day she even suggested what to cook for lunch. Meredith thought she probably was relaxed because Addison wasn't far from the house, since she booked a room in a hotel in Seattle. They hadn't met during those days, but Peyton knew she was close to her if she needed her, only fifteen minutes away, and in Meredith's opinion that helped her to stay at ease.

"Good morning." Derek walked into the kitchen, and instantly wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her cheek. Despite a little amount of left anger for what Derek did, she could see how much he was trying to have Peyton and Roxie's forgiveness, and she loved to watch them together.

"Morning, Der." she said cheerfully. She definitely was in a good mood.

"What are you cooking? It smells good."

"Eggs, bacon, and there's a cake in the oven."

"Mmh, yummy. What kind of cake?"

"Chocolate and pears."

"I love you." Derek said into her ear, hugging her tighter.

"Love you too."

Meredith kissed him.

"What are you doing?! Give it back!" they heard yelling from upstairs. They both sighed, waiting for their daughter to answer to her sister. It couldn't be always perfect, right?

In the bathroom, Roxie lowered her eyes. "Sorry." she handed Peyton her mascara.

The older girl grabbed it from her hand, then gave her a skeptic smile. "You put it wrong – it's all smudged!"

Peyton stepped into the bathroom and took a piece of toilet paper, pouring some cleanser on it. Quickly, she removed the make-up from Roxie's face. Then, she started to reapply the mascara on her eyes. "Look up. And don't move." she ordered. "Don't move!"

"I'm not moving!" Roxie protested.

"Okay, okay, stay still... done!" she informed the thirteen-year-old.

Roxie blinked and looked at herself in the mirror. "Oh." she said. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Peyton answered with a shrug. "Wanna go downstairs? I'm starving."

When they got to the kitchen, Meredith and Derek were staring at them shocked. Roxie and Peyton barely ever agreed on something, so the two adults were curious to know why they didn't start another fight after Peyton yelled at her to 'give it back'.

The truth was, although Roxie hadn't told anybody, that the young teen was starting to look up to her younger sister. She didn't like how she suddenly had to share her father, because she had always been his only princess, but a lot of times she found herself fascinated by Peyton's moves. Peyton was mostly silent, except when she was making her sharp comments, but once or twice in those few days that she stayed at her house, she had said very intelligent things that stunned her.

"Everything okay?" their father asked warily.

"Mm-mm." Peyton mumbled as she sat down. "Roxane took my mascara without asking, but it's okay now."

Derek looked at Roxie. He'd never seen her with make-up on before. He was about to say something, but Meredith talked first. "You look beautiful, Rox. Did Peyton put it on you?" she then looked at her stepdaughter with a smile.

"She did. I tried but it looked horrible."

"I can teach you." Peyton told her with a small shrug, sipping the tea Meredith was handing to her.

Meredith would have liked a 'thank you', but she knew Peyton still had to warm up to a few things. For example, she still called her sister Roxane instead of Roxie, and she didn't want to call Derek dad, which she understood to Derek's sadness. Peyton never said please or thank you, but she wasn't as rude to her and Derek as she was the first few times they met.

"You're too young to use make-up!" Derek told Roxie with wide eyes.

"Shut up, Derek. Some mascara doesn't hurt." Meredith nudged Derek as she took out the cake from the over and put it on the table.

"Wow." Peyton couldn't help but say.

Derek smirked. "Addison still can't cook well, huh?"

"Not really... especially not something like _this_."

"It's even better to taste than to look at." Roxie told her sister.

Meredith cut a few slices. "Try it, Peyton. Tell me what you think."

The girl took a bite of it. It was amazing. It made her think about Daniel, because Daniel loved chocolate and pears cake. One day for their Thanksgiving Carolyn baked that cake for Daniel, because it was his favorite. She put the slice of cake back on the plate.

"You don't like it?" Meredith asked her.

Peyton shrugged. "Can I call my mom to say hi?"

"Sure." Derek told her. "Use my phone, here."

Peyton dialed the number and waited. She sighed when her call went to voicemail.

_**x**_

Mark stared at Addison beside him. They had booked two rooms in the hotel, but they ended up using only one. Addison was refusing to talk about it – Mark thought she was feeling guilty because she was having happy moments soon after her son's death – and he feared she regretted it. He loved Addison. He was in love with her, had been for the last for years. He couldn't remember exactly how and when his feelings of innocent friendship towards Addison turned into love, but he was sure he couldn't be without her.

She couldn't live without him, either, but probably for other reasons.

Mark felt Addison stir, and he held his breath.

Clearing her throat, she sat up slowly. She looked around, founding once again herself in a room that wasn't hers.

"Hey." Mark said quietly. He reached out on the floor to pick up Addison's purple camisole, and handed it to her.

She took it in silence, but didn't put it on. She just stared before her without saying anything.

"We should try." she said then, when the silence became too uncomfortable.

"Try what?" Mark asked.

"To be something. It wouldn't be just to numb my pain, or yours. I know how you feel, Mark, I've always known. I feel this way too. I've ignored it, because I needed to focus on my kids... but now Daniel's at peace, and Peyton will spend more time with her father, finally... and you know, you're the only one that keeps me going. You and Peyton, of course, but I don't want her to know how scared I am, all the time, or how much I'm hurting... with you, I can be myself. I can show you everything. And-"

When Mark pulled away from the kiss, Addison continued.

"We should try."

_**x**_

Derek had promised to drive Peyton, Addison and Mark to the airport, but got an emergency call from the hospital at the last minute.

In the cab, the two adults kept throwing glances at the fifteen-year-old. Peyton was angry, and she was showing it. She didn't want to talk to anybody, and was listening to her music with such a loud volume that Mark and Addison could easily understand the words of the songs.

Just before turning off her phone, Peyton checked the messages again. She hoped to find one from her father, but got one from Paul instead. _I miss you,_ it said. Peyton smiled. It was one thing to look forward to in New York, at least.

**A/N: MerDer funs, in the next chapter will happen something that all of you really really want... so stay tuned! And who guesses what will happen gets a little spoiler about it! Please review, let me know what you think!**


	15. It's A Sin To Kill A Mockingbird

**Secret**

**Chapter Fourteen**

**-It's A Sin To Kill A Mockingbird-**

A few days had passed, and Peyton was in a good mood again. She and her father talked, and for once she accepted his apologies. Addison and Mark were now a couple, and Peyton was happy to see her mother smile.

One day after school, around the middle of January, Peyton was cuddled on the couch with Paul watching a movie. Addison was cooking dinner with Mark, and outside it was starting to snow harder and harder. Peyton often looked away from the screen of the television, fascinated by the small white snowflakes.

"Paul, are you staying for dinner?" Addison asked, peering in the room.

"I think so, Ms Montgomery, my father can't pick me up before nine, and besides Peyton and I were considering going out tonight. Is it a problem?."

"Of course not!" Peyton told him, squeezing his hand.

Addison smiled. "It's not a problem, Paul. Don't worry. Do you like lasagne?"

"Of course, I love it."

"Good." she nodded. "I'll call you when it's ready!"

When she disappeared, Peyton leaned against Paul, enjoying his warmth under the woolen blanket. Paul kissed her forehead, and when she raised her face to look at him better he captured her lips in a soft kiss.

A few seconds later – just as the kiss was getting deeper – Peyton jumped up when the doorbell rang. She sighed, but stood up and opened the door, shivering for the cold outside.

Her moth opened in surprise. "What are you doing here?!"

The other person sobbed, wrapping her arms around her own waist. "It-it's cold. And I-I'm scared. Can I..." more sobs cut her sentence, but Peyton, still in slight shock, moved aside to let her in.

"Who is she?" Paul asked her.

"Who's at the door, Peyton?"

"Mom, you should get in here. Seriously, what happened? Where's Derek?"

"In Seattle." she sniffed.

"Roxane!"

"What?" she snapped bitterly. "You did it twice."

Peyton sighed, and turned around when she heard her mother gasp.

"Tell me you didn't come here by yourself. _Please_."

Roxie sniffed again. "I did. I hate my parents, and I never want to see them again."

Peyton frowned. "Why?"

Addison turned to the kitchen. "Mark, you need to call Derek."

He walked out of the kitchen. "Why?" he groaned when he saw Roxie standing next to Peyton. "You two need to stop this. Stop running away at all hours and taking planes alone making us go mad with worry!"

"Guess he's still mad at me." Peyton said when he left the room, phone in his hand.

"Now, Roxane. Dinner's almost ready, and I hope you like lasagne. If your parents let you stay, you're welcome to be here with us for a while, but only if you tell me what happened _now_." Addison ordered.

Roxie clung to the blanket Paul had handed her, looking at the floor. Then, she rose her eyes to Peyton, biting her lip. "My mother is pregnant." she said.

_**x**_

Meredith was laying on her bed, waiting for Derek to finish his shower and join her. Now that she knew where Roxie was, she wasn't scared anymore, but she felt guilty. Guilty because, as happy as she was to be having another child, she had crashed the precarious balance just found by her family, especially Roxie and Peyton. If the pregnancy made her daughter run away from home, what would Peyton do? Peyton, who could barely bear her presence in her life, who had recently lost her twin brother, for who it was hard to even accept Roxie's existence.

For that same reason, she couldn't understand why Roxie chose to go to her sister. When she realized she was gone, she immediately thought she went to a friend's house, but not in _New York_.

"Hey." Derek said, walking out of the bathroom. He sat on the bed, sighing. When Meredith told him they were having a baby, he felt the happiest man on earth. He was thrilled, delighted.

But Roxane's words and expression clearly said the opposite. He understood it, but it also saddened him. When Peyton agreed to spend some time in Seattle with them, and when she seemed to be okay about the whole situation, he thought everything was now okay. As it should have been. But he was wrong. If Roxie was mad about her new sibling, Peyton was surely gonna be a hundred times angrier. He didn't want the baby to drive his daughters away, he didn't want to lose them liked he lost Daniel. He didn't want to lose the baby, either.

"We'll get through this." he said to Meredith, because if he couldn't be optimistic about it then how could she? "Roxie will come back home, and Peyton won't be too angry, and by the time the baby's born everything will be normal."

"It's nine months, Derek. I don't want it to take nine months to be normal again. I can't take it. I need Roxie to talk to me like always and I need Peyton not to hate us, because nine months of silence and hate would be... unbearable."

Derek squeezed her hand, feeling his heart ache when he saw a tear toll down his wife's cheek.

"Out baby is not a bad thing, Mer. I won't let Peyton and Roxie think he or she is a bad thing in our life. I get how they feel and why, but it won't last for long. Peyton and Roxie accepted each other, didn't they? They'll get over it and be happy, eventually."

"I just want eventually to be soon." Meredith said quietly.

_**x**_

"Where are you going?" Roxie was watching at Peyton who was fixing her hair in the bathroom.

"Paul and I are going out for a couple hours."

"Oh." Roxie felt disappointed. She was really starting to consider Peyton her big sister and she wanted to spend time with her tonight.

"We had it planned before you showed up. And I gotta clear my head a little before going back to hating your parents."

Roxie wanted to say that Derek was her father, too, but she decided not to point it out because she felt furious too. She was actually surprised all Peyton did was stare at her in shock and curse under her breath, instead of yelling like she expected.

"Can I stay in your room, while you're gone? I don't feel comfortable with your mom. I don't think she likes me much."

Addison had no problem with Roxane, but Peyton understood why her half-sister preferred to be in another room. She didn't feel too comfortable with Meredith either.

"Okay. But don't touch anything and don't fall asleep."

The only free room was Daniel's, but no one in the house wanted Roxie to sleep in there. The only other option was the bed-settee downstairs.

After one last glance in the mirror, Peyton joined Paul, said goodnight to Mark and her mother, and went out. The last bus of the day was about to leave.

Peyton found it incredibly easy to talk to Paul. He always seemed to know what to say, what to do, what she needed.

She always enjoyed being with him, even when they did lazy things like watching a movie or going out for a hot chocolate. She never got bored.

As the two fifteen-year-olds were walking hand in hand towards their favorite bakery, talking about everything and nothing at the same time, Roxie was quietly inspecting her sister's bedroom. It was full of things – a little chaotic, unlike hers – and so... personal. She didn't know Peyton very well, but you could tell it was her room nonetheless. She had two or three blankets on her bed, all of different colors, length and cloth. The four walls were of different colors, too (lilac, pink, light blue and purple), and they completely reflected Peyton's style. There were books on the floor, some of which were about cancer and medicine in general, other were comics and others novels. There were also two photo albums.

Roxie sat on the floor, and opened one of them. The firs photo was of a boy, not younger than twelve and not older than fourteen. The boy looked a lot like Peyton, and a little like her. Daniel, she realized. She'd never seen a picture of him before, and it made her feel strange. Daniel was smiling at the camera, and although you could see he was sick he looked good. He was smiling, happily.

Roxie closed the album. She felt like she was intruding in someone else's life.

When Peyton came back home, towards half past eleven, she found Roxane asleep on her bed. She didn't look too comfortable in that position, but Peyton didn't want to wake her up and make her move. She sighed, looking around the room. It was no different than any other day, yet different with Roxane in it. It wasn't a bad image, though, despite everything.

Peyton grabbed her pajamas and closed the door quietly. She stared at Daniel's room, than entered it holding her breath. She released it slowly, fearing apnea that didn't come.

The sheets didn't smell of him anymore, nor did the pillows, but Daniel, he was there. He was there.

**A/N: I'm liking Roxie more and more as I write! :) Anyway, you can find Peyton, Daniel and Roxie's pictures in my blog. The link is in my profile, but if it doesn't work for some reason feel free to send me a message! And please, if you liked the chapter, review!**


	16. Heartbeat

**Secret**

**Chapter Fifteen**

**-Heartbeat-**

Meredith and Derek were waiting for their OB to call them into the room. It was their first ultrasound. Roxane refused to go with them, but Meredith was bursting of joy.

"Meredith Shepherd." Dr. Hayes called, and Meredith stood up in agitation and excitement. Derek grabbed her hand, and they smiled at each other, forgetting about all their worries.

"Hello."

"Good morning. So, Meredith, I see here that you think you're nine weeks."

"I'm not sure. It's been a complicated couple of months."

"Well, let's check, all right?"

Meredith lifted her sweater. The doctor splashed some gel on her belly, and Meredith smiled. She was about to see her baby!

"Here, this is your baby. Everything looks good. And you were almost right, Meredith, you're eight weeks pregnant. Your due date is August 20."

"Wow." both Derek and Meredith were watching the screen in amazement.

"We're even able to hear the heartbeat, here." Dr. Hayes continued.

"Oh Derek, listen at the heartbeat, it's the strongest I've ever heard!"

Derek simply nodded. He felt so emotional that he didn't think he'd be able to talk. It was the third time in his life that he found himself looking at his unborn baby for the first time, and it wasn't any less overwhelming than sixteen years before.

_**x**_

Roxie sighed, bored. She had refused to go with her parents at the ultrasound appointment, but she had nothing to do at home. Shortly after her parents left, her friend Alicia asked her if she wanted to go out, but she had no one to drive her there. She wanted to talk to someone about how confused she felt, but she didn't know who. Ever since her father's secret was revealed, she felt like she couldn't trust anyone. Anyone but the only other person who felt like her, Peyton. The only problem was that Peyton didn't seem to like her too much the majority of the time. But she could always try.

Roxie went to her room, bringing her father's laptop with her. She switched it on, and stared at the desktop. There was a photo of her, only her. When she still was an only child and Derek was only her dad. Not Peyton's, not Daniel's, not the new baby's daddy. Only hers.

She looked through Derek's mails, looking for her half-sister's address. There it was. Pey&Danny . She started to type.

_Hi Peyton... Roxie writing. Uhm, I guess I just wanted to say hi... and talk a little. Rant, actually. My parents are with their doctor for the ultrasound. I didn't want to go. I think it's awful that they decided to have a kid right now with all the things that are going on. I don't want another sibling. I'm perfectly okay now. I actually was perfectly okay before you showed up, but I stopped believing it's your fault, I would have done the same, I think. How are you taking this pregnancy thing? I hate it, deeply. I hate sharing. You live in another state so I'm kind of fine sharing with you, but this baby... I don't want it._

Roxie re-read what she had written. Was it okay to tell Peyton she liked the fact that she lived in another state? Shrugging, she decided to leave it like that. She was writing, not telling it to her face. It was a good way to express her feelings, and the girl decided she had to do it more often. If Peyton's answer turned out to be what she wanted, she'd keep writing her.

_How's Paul? He was nice to me when I came to New York. I think you're a good couple, he always looks at you with love and it makes me want to have a boyfriend myself. Is he your first boyfriend? I never had one. I think my dad would kill him if he only dared to look at me. I keep writing, or thinking, or saying 'my' dad. But he's yours, too. And sometimes I forget he is, and sometimes it feels like you've always been in our lives. Sometimes I think you should have been, and other times I wish I'd never met you. It's weird. The whole situation, my thoughts, our family. I can't understand if I like it or not._

_Daniel comes to my mind when I least expect it and it hurts a little. Not as much as it hurts you, though. I don't know if you want to talk about Daniel, but I do. I never knew him, and photographs and a name aren't enough. Will you please tell me something?_

Roxie hit 'send'. She felt like the mail was complete like that, with no further questions, a signature, a goodbye. She just hoped her sister would answer her soon.

_**x**_

"Are you okay, Mom?" Peyton said as she walked in the kitchen.

Addison was eating a brownie with some coffee, but she didn't seem one hundred per cent fine.

"Yeah... just thinking about your brother."

"Oh. Is Uncle Mark here?"

"Will stop by in a while. Peyton... how do you honestly feel about the new baby?"

"Oh, I don't know, Mom... it's weird. It's different than how I felt when I found out about Roxane... Roxane is two years younger than me and Daniel. But this baby is only a baby, and I don't even think it was planned. I don't feel like Derek chose the baby over me, I feel that with Roxie because we're basically the same age. And I think Derek is trying... right?"

Addison nodded. "You're right, he's trying. I can see it. You and Daniel weren't planned, and I don't think Roxane was. But he loves you all equally, I think. He couldn't love Daniel enough back then, but I can see how much he loves you. I want you to know it."

All Addison ever wanted was for her children to have a father. Her son never got to, and her daughter had to share him with other two siblings.

"This baby can't be a boy. I can accept it and put up with it as long as it's not a boy. I can't do this if the baby's a boy."

Addison got up, walked around the table and placed her hands on her daughter's shoulder. "He won't be a boy." she said. "You'll see, you'll have another little sister and it's all gonna be okay." Addison only wanted to believe it, too. She was hurt. Hurt that Derek left their children, hurt that he got married again and had a daughter, hurt that he was having another child. With another woman. A perfect child.

Peyton sighed. "I'm going up to my room. Call me when Uncle Mark arrives, okay?"

"Okay, baby girl." Addison watched as Peyton left the room again. She wanted to keep talking to her, but she knew how much the topic had deeply upset her.

Peyton returned to her laptop once in her room. Before checking on her mother, she was chatting with Paul on facebook. She saw she had an unread email, and clicked on it with a little hesitation. Derek didn't write her emails often, and she didn't like to answer. She was surprised to see it was by Roxie instead.

She read it all, word by word, black inked letters on white. Then, speechless, she started to type her response.

_Roxie..._

_I don't know how I feel. I feel just like you, confused. This baby wasn't planned, and it's not its fault. Just like it's not _your_ fault, even if I firstly blamed you for not having a father my whole life. Derek never was my dad, so I'm okay with sharing, because I don't trust him enough to give him my whole self. Paul and me are great. He's sweet and makes me feel better. I feel special when I'm with him, but also light. Like I can be...me. And you're too young to have a boyfriend. My mom used to tell me, as a joke, but not so much, 'you know you're ready to have a boyfriend when you get your first period'. Derek was my dad first, Roxane, but he's more yours than mine right now. Maybe things will change, but he will always be closest to you. As for Daniel, Roxane... I do want to talk about it, and it doesn't hurt so much. It hurts to think he's dead, but not to think about him. Daniel was a wonderful person, the best person I ever knew. He didn't know what hate was. He was always kind to everyone, gave everything to others. He could always make you smile, and laugh, and be happy. He made you love life, appreciate it, because life is short and it's beautiful and every breath is special, Roxane. Every single breath you take. Sometimes I feel like Daniel's watching over me. I'm almost sure he is. Maybe he's watching over you, too._

**A/N: felt like it was a good way to end the chapter. Hope you like it! (I loved writing it :D)**


	17. Like A Drop In The Ocean

**Secret**

**Chapter Sixteen**

**-Like A Drop In The Ocean-**

**A/N: I'm going yo jump ahead of a few months in every chapter from now on, until the baby's birth! Don't forget it!**

"Roxie? Can I talk to Dad?" Peyton was panting, and sobbing, and even if she was only hearing her voice through the phone, Roxie understood something had happened.

She stopped her father on his way upstairs, and handed him the phone. She didn't tell him it was Peyton, or that she was crying. She wanted to know what was wrong, but she also wanted to be alone for a moment. She felt tears in her eyes, too. Peyton had called Derek 'dad'. It was the first time. To her he was Derek, or 'our father', or even _your_ father when she was pissed off.

She liked Peyton, and felt closer to her, and missed her a little when she was in New York, but she still wasn't used to the fact that her dad was also someone else's dad.

"Hey, Peyton!" Derek said cheerfully into the phone. The last thing he expected what to be answered with a sob. His smile fell. "What happened?"

"I have to tell you something!"

"What is it?"

_One hour and forty minutes earlier_

When she arrived home after work, Addison found Peyton crying in Daniel's room.

"Oh, honey..." she sat on the floor with her and placed a kiss on her forehead. Peyton's dark brown curls were all glued to her wet cheeks.

"I have a secret, Mom."

"What kind of secret?"

"A secret that Danny didn't want me to keep."

Addison sighed, fighting back her own tears.

"It all started a year ago." Peyton continued. "You were making dinner and told me I had to finish my homework in an hour because we were supposed to meet Uncle Mark at the theater. Do you remember?"

"Yes." Addison kept running her fingers through the girl's hair, knowing it relaxed both of them.

"I went upstairs and Danny followed me. He told me he had been researching for months. Looking for Derek. He said it was hard because it was quite a common name. I asked why. Daniel told me he wanted to meet him before dying. That he wanted to forgive him. I said he wasn't going to die and that Derek didn't deserve forgiveness. Daniel insisted and I said no over and over."

Addison nodded sadly, thinking about her son.

"I wouldn't let him talk about it. I knew he couldn't call Derek alone or go to Seattle by himself. I ignored the papers he gave me with the information about where Derek lived and worked. I only looked at them after his death because I felt guilty for not helping him fulfill his wish. I didn't want to tell Derek because I thought he'd feel better about abandoning us."

"Oh, Peyton. It's okay, baby girl."

"I found this." she handed her mother a letter.

"What is it?"

"Danny wrote it for Derek."

_Present time_

"Peyton, Peyton, calm down, sweetie. It's okay. Just read me the letter. Don't cry."

Roxie couldn't take it anymore. The phone call between her father and sister was endless and she couldn't understand what they were talking about.

She needed to talk to someone she trusted. At the moment, both her parents were excluded. She hadn't told her friends about the "situation" yet, but it was time.

Roxie walked to the bus stop, texting Alicia and Eloise and telling them to meet her at the park in half an hour. Then she breathed deeply. She was out of the house, finally. Out of the craziness.

_**x**_

"What do you want?"

"Cut the crap. Where are you? Your parents are worried sick."

"I'm out."

"Thank you very much, I knew that already! Come on, Rox."

"Don't call me Rox. It's Roxane."

"Where are you?" Peyton asked again. "Are you alone?"

"Mind your own business."

"We're sisters, you are my business."

There was something in the girl's voice that made Roxane give in. "I'm out with two friends. We're walking around."

"It's late here, so it's probably getting dark there too. Go home, Roxane."

"What letter were you talking about?"

Peyton sighed. She grabbed it from her desk and started to read.

"_Dear Derek,_

_I am your son. You know my name, it's Daniel Derek Shepherd. My name is part of yours, yet I don't know if either one of us deserves it. Unlike my sister, Peyton, I've always felt inside of me the deep desire to meet you. My father. Now I am writing you what can never be heard aloud, knowing that the reason why I'm obliged to write is the same that brought you to leave me and my sister..._

_Nonetheless, I love you. I idolize you, like any son with his father. I'm dying. I would really like to tell you this, before I go. That I love you. That I forgive you. That one day, we'll have eternity to get to know each other. I want to tell you to love Peyton the best you can. Remember that she never was the problem. She's flowless. She's perfect. She's your daughter. If I end up deciding to keep this letter to myself, and if I were to die before we have the chance to properly meet, I hope you'll know in your heart you have to find her and be for her the dad you could never be for me. She's stubborn, so you'll have to work hard, but Peyton is my twin sister and I know she wants you and needs you just as much as I do. Please, remember. Remember me when I'm gone. Remember how much you loved before you knew I was wrong, different. Remember that I was your little boy, and she was your little girl, you princess, your sunlight. Remember you used to be married to our mother. That you shared love with her. That we were made with love. Remember us. Remember me. Please. That's all I ask. To be loved, even from a distance._"

Peyton burst out crying as soon as she finished to read, and Roxie, hearing those words, couldn't hold back her tears for longer.

_**x**_

Meredith pulled the blankets up to cover both her and Derek, and she looked at her husband with a sigh. "Are you sure we did the right thing by grounding her?"

"Yes, Mer. She can't go away like that without telling us. She disappeared for hours without leaving a note or answering her phone. We bought it in order to know where she was!"

Derek was really angry. After the call with Peyton was over, he had stayed by himself for a while, until Meredith, who in the meanwhile had been upstairs cleaning, realized their daughter was not in the house. They called Roxie, looked in the garden, waited for a while. When Roxie finally got home, anger got the best of Derek and he grounded her for a month. Meredith eventually convinced him to cut it to two weeks, but he was still pretty angry.

"I know." Meredith sighed again. "I'm just tired of seeing her this angry with us. I want my daughter back." she brought her hands to her belly, knowing the baby was the reason why Roxie was so upset.

"It's going to be okay." Derek told her for the hundredth time.

**A/N: I promise, there will be plenty of MerDer and Maddison in the next chapter! All about them! Anyway, is there something in particular you want to see? I'm planning to add a few more chapters before the baby's birth (which will mean the end of the story) and I don't have many ideas about what could happen in these months that precede the birth...help me :)**


	18. February Was So Long That It Lasted Into

**Secret**

**Chapter Seventeen**

**-February Was So Long That It Lasted Into March-**

"We have to leave in half an hour, right?" Derek asked Meredith, joining her on couch and placing his hand on her belly.

Meredith nodded. "More or less."

"I'm very excited."

"I can see that."

"Aren't you? We can find out the sex of the baby!"

Meredith looked at him guiltily. "Honestly, I don't want to know."

Derek was surprised. "Why? You wanted to with Roxie."

"I'm scared it'll be a boy."

Derek laughed incredulous. "Meredith, are you serious? What's wrong with having a boy?"

"I don't think our family could handle a boy, Derek."

"Meredith-"

"Roxane told me Peyton said she can only handle it if it's a girl."

"Oh."

"Derek, I know you're used to not think about Daniel, but ever since you've told me about him he's been in my mind, stuck. I'd _love_ to have a little boy, but not now, Derek. Not now that we're so fragile. Peyton and Addison need it to be a girl, and so do I."

"Okay. But Mer, I think about Daniel. Everyday and every night. Don't think that I don't. Okay?"

Meredith nodded. "I just need to wait for a few more months. I need to change before we go, can you go see if Roxie wants to come?"

"Sure."

_**x**_

Addison was having shopping with Peyton and her friend Clara. They needed new clothes, and since it was her first day off in a while she wanted to spend it with her daughter.

"There's a store that sells baby clothes, look." Clara said, and Addison turned to look at what the two girls were staring.

"Do you want to go in?" she asked Peyton. It was a little hard for her to accept that her daughter would be getting a sibling less than a year after her twin's death, but she was doing her best to make sure Peyton felt okay about it.

"I don't know... maybe I could get something for when Meredith and Derek and Roxane come here."

"Weren't you supposed to go? I thought they came here last time?" Clara asked her friend.

"I don't feel like flying to Seattle, I'll ask them to come."

"It'll be one of the last times Meredith will be able to get on a plane." Addison reminded Peyton.

"I know... well, does it bother you? To go in, I mean? We could have a look."

Addison nodded. "Let's go."

They entered the shop, and Peyton looked around to see if there was something she liked. "Derek said they were finding out the sex today, but I don't know what time the appointment is." she said as she looked through some pink baby clothes.

"You should get something unisex. There's yellow or green stuff, it's okay for either gender."

"I think it'll be a girl." Peyton took a pink polka dot dress in her hands.

"It's pretty, I like it." Clara said. "The baby will look like a doll."

Peyton nodded. "I'll buy it. Let's go, I want to buy some more things for myself."

_**x**_

"So, how did it go? Are you having a boy or a girl?" Roxie asked her parents that night. They were having an early dinner, because Meredith and Derek had plans to go to the theater.

"We decided to let it be a surprise." Derek said.

Roxie shrugged. "Okay."

"When Peyton comes here for Easter we'll start decorating an unisex nursery." Meredith added.

"Actually, Peyton said she wants us to go there this time, and she'll come here as soon as school is over."

"Peyton didn't tell me anything; when did you talk to her?"

"Earlier." the girl told her father. "She texted me saying she bought a little dress for the baby."

"Really?" Meredith smiled. She knew her daughter, and so she was sure Roxie would soon be okay with having a new sibling, but she was constantly scared of hurting her stepdaughter.

"She said she thinks it's a girl."

Derek glanced at his wife. "We'd like that too."

After that brief dialogue about the baby, the three of them ate in silence. When they were done, Meredith and Derek dropped Roxie off at Cristina's house and drove to the theater.

"See, Peyton is sure the baby will be a girl. She bought a dress."

"I know." Derek sighed. "Can we look at the good things for now? Peyton is coming around. And so is Roxie. Slowly, but they both are. This makes me happy. We're having a baby, Mer. And it makes me even happier."

"It's just... oh, nothing."

"What, Mer?"

She turned to look out of the window. Derek parked the car in front of the theater and looked at his wife silently until she finally talked.

"I'm scared. I told you I'm scared it will be a boy, but that's not all." she swallowed, choosing her words carefully. She knew they would hurt her husband. "I'm scared our baby will have some disease, some problem, and that you'll leave us."

Derek felt his heart stop. He had his eyes fixed on Meredith, he was paralyzed, breathless.

"I'm sorry." she said. "I don't want to hurt your feelings, Derek. It's, it's how I feel. I don't want to, but I can't help it. I am over the moon for this baby, honey, but it makes me think about Daniel so much that it leaves me overwhelmed every time."

Derek took her hand in his, placing a soft kiss on her knuckles. "I understand. I, I don't know what to say to make it better, Mer. I've always loved Daniel, but I couldn't face it, I couldn't handle the fact that my first son was deaf. It's horrible for every parent, and I reacted the wrong way. I did an impulsive thing and I never let myself regret it until Peyton found me. I regret it everyday, I think about Daniel every time I see Peyton and Addison; every time I go to sleep he's in my dreams. If this baby were to have a problem, as you put it, it'll break my heart and I'll feel bad and I won't know what to do, but I promise you I won't run away. Daniel's death made me realize how much I missed out, and it's not a mistake I'll make again. Meredith, I promise you."

"I believe you." she whispered. "Please keep your promise, Der."

_**x**_

"That was amazing." Mark panted, running his hand up and down Addison's naked back as he tried to catch his breath.

"It was." she answered, equally breathless.

It was around ten or eleven pm, and Peyton was sleeping over at Clara's, so Mark and Addison were enjoying the teenager-free house.

He pulled her to his sweaty chest and captured her lips in a deep kiss. Addison moaned, grasping his short hair with her fingers. She tilted her head back, and Mark bit her neck ravenously. He was hungry of her, thirsty of her. She was like fresh air filling his lungs.

"I love you." he mumbled, touching her like there was no tomorrow.

Addison took a big breath, then went back to kissing him, to exploring his body. "I love you too." she whispered back, her body shaking under his magic, holy, touch. She closed her eyes, letting pleasure carry her to another dimension, another level of happiness.

Mark's kisses on her abdomen were bringing her to a heaven she had never experienced, and his hands entwined to hers sent her all his love.

"Make love to me, Mark." she whispered, realizing she felt more complete than ever when he made her his.

_**x**_

Meredith looked at Derek, who was reading some novel on the bed beside her. He apparently looked concentrated on the book, but Meredith knew he was thinking about her words.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't want to ruin our night. I shouldn't have said anything."

Derek closed the book and placed it on the bedside table. "No, Mer, you were right to tell me. I need to know what's going on in your head."

"Then I should have chosen another moment. It was supposed to be our night, out first night out alone in who who knows how long, and we barely spoke to each other."

"We were in a theater, other people wouldn't have appreciated us talking." he reminded.

"Derek."

"Fine." Derek sat up straighter, and pulled away his hand from Meredith's to move his arm around her shoulders. He noticed she was a little cold, and pulled up the blanket to cover her. "I love you, Mer. And you didn't ruin the night. What matters is being here with you."

She nodded, leaning against him. "You're right. But I'm still sorry I chose tonight to tell you."

"Okay." he kissed her on the top of her head.

"Oh, and I love you too." Meredith added.

Derek laughed. "I know, Mer. You're amazing, you know that, right?"

"I think I know, yes... but I won't complain if you tell me, once in a while."

"I'll tell you everyday." he kissed her. "Every morning," kiss, "Every night," he made her lay down, without stopping giving her soft kissed everywhere.

Meredith giggled, bringing her hands to his back and starting to take off his tshirt.

"Come on top of me." he whispered in her ear, biting her lobe.

She did as he said, and Derek helped her take off her pajamas.

"That's not fair. You still have your clothes on."

"We can fix that, can't we?" he guided her hands on his body, looking in her green eyes. They were so beautiful. _She_ was so incredibly beautiful.

"We certainly can."

Meredith bent down to kiss him. She could never get enough of his kisses. "I love you." she repeated, getting lost in his perfume, his warmth, his flawlessness.


	19. Sightseeing And Memories

**Secret**

**Chapter Eighteen**

**-Sightseeing And Memories-**

Addison was cooking lunch; Derek, Meredith and Roxie were going to arrive soon, and though she wasn't particularly looking forward to it she wanted everything to look good.

Peyton walked in the kitchen, and took a grape from the fruit basket on the table. "Where is Uncle Mark?"

"He already left, sweetheart." she answered warily.

"I wanted to go with him."

"I know. He knocked on your door, but you were in the shower. He didn't want to make them wait too much, since he already left a little later than he should have."

Peyton shrugged. "Well, I'll see them soon enough, anyways."

"Did you miss Derek?

Peyton thought about it. "Maybe. I'm still getting used to it."

Addison nodded. "I know, it'll take time. You're doing great though."

"I guess. What are you cooking?"

"Lasagne, roasted chicken and potatoes and chocolate mousse."

"I'm hungry." Peyton sighed. "Do you need help?"

"No, I'm almost done. Can you set the table though? I need to fix my hair."

Peyton laughed. "Sure, Mom." she started to set the table, her mind wandering to Daniel again. She thought that they'd be seven, not six, that day at lunch. She thought about how the baby would take his place, in some way. Somehow they'd go on without him, and it was sad, awful, unfair. So wrong that some days she was angry with the world.

"I hate you." she said out loud, thinking about a God she no longer believed in. Then she sighed heavily, forcing herself to think about happy things at least for that day.

Some moments later the front door opened, and Peyton stepped in the hallway.

"Hey there, Munchkin." Mark ruffled her hair with a smile, making her roll her eyes. "Here we are."

"Hi." she said to the three guests. Her eyes went to Meredith's belly; it was obvious that she was pregnant now.

Derek hugged Peyton. "How are you, sweetie?"

"I'm good." she nodded.

Addison appeared in the room, looking a little nervous. "Hello. I hope you had a great flight."

"Everything went good, thank you." Derek told his ex-wife.

"Good." she repeated. "Well, sit down. Lunch is almost ready. Can I get you anything to drink?"

"No, thank you, Addison." Meredith answered, smiling.

"Can I go to the bathroom?" Roxane asked shyly.

"Sure, of course. You know where it is."

Peyton silently walked out of the room, and returned a minute later with a plastic bag. She handed it to Meredith. "This is for the baby. It's a dress."

The woman smiled as she took it from Peyton's hand. "Yes, Rox mentioned you bought something for the baby. Thank you, Peyton."

"You're welcome." she watched intently as her stepmother took the small baby dress out of the bag, smiling. "It's beautiful, Peyton. Thank you."

"Have you thought of names?" Addison asked.

"Not yet." Meredith said, although she had a boy name picked out. Sadly, she had a feeling it would be a boy.

"I have Miley."

Peyton wrinkled her nose. "Like Miley Cyrus?"

Mark laughed. "Peyton's not gonna let you name the kid with a teen celebrity's name, Der."

"Who's Miley Cyrus?" Derek asked confused.

Everyone laughed.

Roxie walked back into the room. "Why are you laughing?"

"Because Derek doesn't know who Miley Cyrus is." Peyton told her.

Roxie smiled brightly. "Are we naming the baby Miley?"

"No! No way. Vetoed."

"I'm sorry but I agree." Meredith said. "But we still have a few months to decide. Why don't we eat now? I'm starving. Addison, this looks amazing."

After lunch, they quietly went to the living room, and Derek asked Addison if he could have some of Daniel's photos. She gave him an album that went from his fourth year of age to his tenth.

Daniel was beautiful. Just from the photos, Derek could see he had been a happy smiley boy. His soft dark brown curls reminded Derek of himself as a child. "Tell me about him." he pleaded, his voice slightly broken.

Addison swallowed her sadness, cleared her throat, and thought about her best memories before talking. "It was their fifth birthday. We threw a small party here, your sisters Amelia and Kathleen came as well. Peyton invited ten girls from preschool, eight of them came. Daniel only invited one boy. He was late; I thought he wouldn't come. I could see his disappointment in his eyes, but he was smiling. He told me Jacob would arrive soon. He did, and, uhm, his mother apologized. She, she told me they were late because they'd been to a doctor's appointment for Jacob's sister Carly. She was ten. She was deaf. It was, it was the first time I met a parent who was, well, like me. And it was the first time that someone spontaneously came to Daniel's party. They played together, and even when Peyton's friends left Jacob spent the night. He learned sign language, not only for Carly but for Daniel as well. They became inseparable. His mother is still one of my best friends." Addison cleared her throat again. "I'm sorry. I know it's not the story you wanted to hear; it's more about my feelings than about Daniel. But I can't do this. Excuse me." she stood up and left the room, brushing away a lonely tear from her face. Mark followed her.

"Why don't we go out for a walk and leave Addison some space?" Meredith suggested, placing her hand on Derek's shoulder to comfort him.

He nodded. "Sure. I need to go to the bathroom for a second, and then we'll go."

"First door on the left at the top of the stairs! I'll show you my very favorite place." he heard Peyton say. He walked up the stairs slowly, but instead of opening the first door on his left he decided to look for Daniel's room. Opening a door at random, he found himself facing Addison. She immediately tried to compose herself, standing from her bed and letting go of Mark's hand.

"I'm sorry." Derek said.

"It's okay. Were you looking for the bathroom?"

"Not really." he admitted. "I wanted to see Daniel's bedroom. If it's okay with you."

"Oh. Yeah, yes. It's here, next to Peyton's." she opened the door for him and let him enter. "You can stay here for a while, if you want. I'll be in my room."

Derek nodded, not trusting his voice. He was getting really emotional. He looked around. Daniel must have loved science, because there were several posters retracting the space, or shuttles, on the walls. Derek noticed that everything had its own place in the room, everything was clean and tidy. He walked to the bookshelf, and picked up an old ruined book. '2001: A Space Odyssey'. So Daniel _had_ loved science. No one had mentioned it.

He observed the room for a few more minutes, and then, before going back downstairs, he pushed the door of Peyton's room. He glanced inside, but walking in didn't feel right, with Peyton downstairs. He felt like he was violating her privacy, so he closed the door. After a brief stop to the bathroom he joined his wife and daughters.

"I'm ready to go."

"Okay." Peyton and Roxie put on their jackets.

Meredith smiled. "You okay?" she whispered.

Derek smiled as well. "Sure. Let's go."

"Where are we going?" Roxie asked her half-sister.

"Central Park. It's my paradise."

"Your mother and I used to go there a lot, when we were married."

Peyton smiled slightly, but didn't answer. She really didn't like when Derek talked about his marriage to his mom; it was strange and she didn't believe he loved her that much anyway.

Lost in her thought, she didn't look where she was going, and suddenly she felt her body crush with someone else's.

The boy grabbed her arm to push her back, and then let it go as if it burnt when he realized who she was.

"Peyton!"

She looked at him in shock. "Jacob." she whispered. It was incredible. Her mom had been talking about him, and there he was, in front of her.

She let him hug her, wrapping her arms around his neck as he slightly lifted her from the ground.

"You disappeared. I called you."

"I know."

"I saw you at the mall with Paul. I know you saw me."

Peyton pressed her ear on Jacob's chest, on his heart. "It's hard. You look like Daniel."

"No way, kid. If anything, it was him who looked like me." he forced out a joke.

Peyton sniffed. "I miss you."

"I bet you do. My mom asked about you. You should come over for dinner."

"I will. Maybe on Sunday." she closed her eyes for a moment. "That's my dad, anyway. And his wife. And my sister."

Jacob raised his eyes from her to look at them. "Good afternoon." he said quietly.

"Hello. I'm Meredith."

"I'm Jacob. Nice to meet you. He looks like Dan." he said to Peyton, staring at Derek.

"I know." with a big breath, Peyton pulled away from Jacob's hug. "We were going to Central Park. I wanted to show them the tree."

Jacob smiled. "Tell them the story once you get there. But remember..."

"...a story can only be the key if it's told from the top of a tree." Peyton finished.

Roxie laughed slightly and looked at her sister. "What story?"

"You'll know soon enough."

"Are you gonna make us climb on a tree?"

"I might. It's our tradition. Daniel, Jacob, Carly and I always climbed on that tree, it was our secret place."

Meredith frowned, wondering how and if she would be able to climb on a tree.

"I have to go now. My relatives that live in Europe are here to visit, and I promised my mom I wouldn't be gone long."

Peyton nodded. "Call me tonight, okay? I'll answer this time."

It as his turn to nod. "I'll call you later then. Have a nice afternoon at our tree."

Peyton walked beside Derek towards Central Park. She was feeling a lot better, for the first time in a very long time. Maybe it was because she had her family with her, maybe it was because she was in a place she loved. Or maybe, just maybe, the cause of her well-being was Jacob.


	20. On The Edge

**Secret**

**Chapter Nineteen**

**-On The Edge-**

Meredith was in the last trimester of her pregnancy now, and she felt huge. She was still hoping to be having a girl, but since her mother instinct had been telling her otherwise for weeks, she was coming to term with the fact that there was a fifty per cent possibility that she was carrying a boy.

Derek was the most excited daddy of Seattle, and even Roxie was starting to like the idea of herself as a big sister. Meredith was finally feeling serene about being a mom again, and she couldn't wait to see her new child.

"Sweetie, I'm leaving to pick Pey up!" Derek said, appearing on the threshold of their bedroom.

She looked at his reflection in the mirror as he walked towards her. They shared a smile.

Derek wrapped his arms around Meredith's waist, placing his hands on her abdomen. He kissed her temple. "This dress looks really good on you. You're gorgeous."

Meredith giggled. "And you're handsome."

"Thank you, Mrs Shepherd." Derek turned her around and placed a soft loving kiss on her lips.

Meredith cupped his face with her hands. "You're welcome, Mr Shepherd. You're being very McDreamy today."

Derek laughed. "I do my best, Mer."

Meredith pecked his lips and swatted his backside. "Go. Don't make your daughter wait."

"Okay. I'll see you in a while."

She nodded, still smiling. "Bye. And don't drive too fast."

"Cross my heart." he told her, as seriously as he could manage, as he walked out of the room. "Rox! Do you wanna come with me to the airport?"

"I'm busy here!" she yelled back.

Derek tried to open the door of the bathroom, but it was locked. "Are you okay? You sound strange."

"Yes! Go!"

"Alright. I'll see you in a while."

Roxie looked at what she was holding in her hands. She felt scared, but she also couldn't wait to tell Peyton. She wanted her to be the first one to know, even though her mom would be a close second.

Biting her lip, Roxane did what was written on the box. She felt uncomfortable, but she knew she would get used to it soon. Placing her right hand on her belly, she massaged it, enjoying the warmth and relief it gave her. Then she shook off her thoughts and unlocked the door of the bathroom, planning to go into her room unnoticed, but she met Meredith in the corridor.

"What do you want for lunch, sweetie?"

"I'm not really hungry, Mom. Really."

"Oh. Are you okay? Do you feel sick?" Meredith immediately worried. Roxie didn't usually turn down food.

"No... I didn't sleep very well tonight, I don't know why. I think I'll go take I nap, and when Peyton arrives maybe I'll be hungry. Make some pasta, maybe."

Meredith smiled, nodding, and kissed her cheek. "Go lie down, Rox. It'll take Dad and Peyton a while to get home, anyway."

The thirteen-year-old nodded as well, walking in her room but leaving the door open. She lay on her bed, and pulled the woolen blanket up to cover her abdomen. She closed her brown eyes, relaxing. Kicking away her thoughts, she quickly fell asleep.

She woke up to a slight knock on her door, and as she forced her eyes to open Peyton appeared in her visual.

"Hey." Peyton offered her sister a smile. "I got here forty minutes ago. Lunch is ready."

Roxie nodded, holding back a yawn. "Okay." she pushed the blanket away and stood up, following Peyton down the stairs.

Meredith and Derek were already sitting at the table. Roxie glanced at her plate hiding a grimace; luckily her mom really had only cooked pasta, because she still wasn't feeling hungry.

"Are you feeling better, honey?"

Roxie nodded, taking her fork. As she ate, hunger came slowly.

"So, Peyton, any news from New York?" Meredith asked cheerfully. She was in a good mood. She couldn't say the same about her stepdaughter, though, because Peyton had barely talked.

In fact, the girl shrugged, her eyes fixed on her untouched food. "Everything is always the same." she answered, though it wasn't completely true. Something had changed, but she didn't feel like talking about it with Meredith and Derek, since things were about to change with them as well. The baby's birth was getting nearer in time and it scared her.

"I was thinking we could arrange the baby's nursery this afternoon." Derek said, changing the subject. "We bought some furniture, Peyton, in the past weeks, but we still have to decide how to decorate the room and where to set everything."

"I like the idea." Meredith smiled brightly. That day she really felt excited about the baby. "Are you okay with it, girls? If it doesn't take us too long we can go to the movies afterwards. There's Breaking Dawn part two, you mentioned you wanted to watch it, Rox."

Roxie smiled at that. "Can we?" she asked, turning towards Peyton. She knew her sister didn't particularly like that kind of movies.

"If you really want to... consider it my birthday present." she teased, remembering that Roxie's birthday would be three weeks later.

"We can watch something else, Peyton."

"No, it's okay." she shrugged again. At least the movie would keep her mind off sad things.

After lunch, Meredith took a bath, and Derek went to the garage to take some things that they needed for the nursery.

"Come upstairs with me." Roxie told her sister once they were alone. "There's something I want to tell you."

"What is it?"

Roxie sat on her bed, and bit her lip, but then she thought that it was a normal thing and she didn't have to worry or feel scared. "I got my period, last night."

When she looked up, she saw Peyton's eyes sparkle. "You did? That's awesome, Roxie! You're a woman now!"

Roxie smiled slightly. "It's not really a comfortable thing."

"Oh, I know." Peyton sat indian-style beside her. "Do you have cramps? It's normal, the pain will be gone by tomorrow."

"How much does it last? A week?"

"It varies from people to people. Mine usually lasts five days, but my mom only has it for three. Some people for a week."

Roxie nodded. "I hope I'll be lucky."

"What did your mom say? Did you tell her?"

"No. I kind of wanted to tell you first."

"I told my mom first. But maybe I would have told you, had I known you existed." she stayed silent for a while. "Daniel and Jacob always made fun of me when I said it hurt. Boys don't get it." Jacob reminded her of something else, and she suddenly got sad. "I had a fight with Paul, last night."

"Why?" Roxie couldn't hide her surprise. Paul and Peyton always got along...

"He's jealous of Jacob. He says I have a crush on him, which by the way is completely untrue. Or maybe it isn't. I don't know." Peyton hid her face in the palms of her hands. "I'm confused. Now that I realized seeing Jacob doesn't hurt so bad, I spend a lot of time with him and his family. It feels like home, it always has. I've known Jacob for most of my life, he's like a brother to me. I don't know." she sighed. "He hugs me. Jacob. Like, randomly. I feel safe in his arms. And he gets things that Paul doesn't even know about."

"Maybe it's just because Jacob reminds you of Daniel, so you think you like him but really you only love him as a brother." Roxie offered, trying to think about something that would help her half-sister.

"Maybe." Peyton conceded, sniffing. "Well, I don't wanna think about it. Let's go see the nursery."

If Peyton thought decorating her soon-to-be sibling's room would make her feel better, she quickly changed her mind. Meredith wouldn't stop babbling about the baby and Derek told stories about when Roxie was little; then he realized Peyton might have felt left out and asked her about her early childhood, but it only made the teen feel worse because Derek was supposed to know, not ask.

Suddenly rage arose in her, and she stiffened as she painted the wall with a pale yellow color – why not pink? Meredith was stupidly acting like there was a chance that the stupid baby could be a boy – and she let the brush slip out of her grip.

Meredith stopped talking. "Pey? Are you alright?"

"Don't call me Pey." she said rudely, as irritation and anger grew. It was irrational, unstoppable, out of her control.

"Peyton..."

"Don't." she barked at her father. "The last thing I want is to talk to you, to look at you, to be in the same room as you. I hate you! And I hate your house, and your wife, and your stupid perfect baby you're gonna have! I hate it, got it? Hate it!"

Derek, shocked by the sudden outburst, took a step back, not knowing what to do to calm his daughter. Meredith hesitantly reached out to put her hand on her shoulder, but Peyton pulled away sharply, breathing heavily.

Roxie winced.

Peyton couldn't believe her own words, but she refused to show her real feelings to the two adults. She didn't really hate Derek, she was way past that, but she still had confused thoughts about him, and the new baby hadn't stopped being a threat yet. In her mind, Derek had always loved Roxie more than her, and now that he was about to have another child with his wife she was sure she'd once again be less important, the forgotten child, the secret.

"You can't say things like those." Derek said quietly, though he wasn't sure how to continue. He understood Peyton's insecurity, but he didn't like what she said about Meredith and the baby. "We love you. I may have lacked in showing it to you for the first fifteen years of your life, but I love you as much as I love Roxie and the baby. I'm sorry if I don't say it enough, but I do. I do."

"I know." Peyton said bitterly, though she hadn't meant to. "But I have fifteen years of hate inside of me, and you can't just erase that. You have to accept that I might explode at random times, ad feel left out, and say nasty things." she then looked at Meredith. "I don't hate you. But I might, if you have a boy."

Meredith looked at her sadly. "I have not control over it, honey."

Peyton closed her eyes, doing her best to not say hurtful things. The wave of range was still there, but it was going away slowly. "You should. It's not fair."

"I know."

"I want my mom and Mark. I don't want to stay here and decorate this stupid room."

Meredith nodded. This time, when she touched her stepdaughter, she wasn't opposed. She gently led Peyton out of the room, to the family room. Derek and Roxie followed silently.

"I have an idea." Derek talked after a while, carefully, not wanting to cause another shouting match. "Why don't we go somewhere, me and you. Just the two of us, before the baby's birth. Anywhere you want."

Peyton looked at him cautiously, with a hint of dare. "Anywhere?"


	21. Daddy's Little Girl (2)

**A/N: I know that chapter three has the same title, it was intentional to mark the change in Derek and Peyton's feelings and bond. Enjoy!**

**Secret**

**Chapter Twenty**

**-Daddy's Little Girl-**

Peyton laughed of joy looking at the abyss at her feet. She liked the feeling, fear mixed with excitement, and knowing she could die if she took just a small step forward.

"Peyton!" Derek was approaching her fast, scared she might fall. "Peyton Shepherd, step back! Do you hear me? You could fall! The ground could crumble under your weight!"

"It's not that dangerous, Dad." the girl answered him cheerfully, but she stepped back anyway. Then she realized how she had called him, and she stopped in her tracks, glancing at Derek with half a smile and a hint of embarrassment.

Derek smiled at his daughter, feeling closer to her than ever before. "What about we get to the next mountain dew and have something to drink?" he suggested, knowing every little word about the father-daughter topic could destroy the precarious balance he and Peyton had.

"Sure. We can talk about it, anyway. I'm becoming pretty comfortable thinking about it."

"About what? Me being in your life properly?"

"Mhmm. And Meredith and Roxie as my family."

"I'm happy to hear you say it."

They walked in silence for a while.

"Why did you choose Canada?" Derek asked curiously. When Peyton asked if he would take her wherever she wanted, he had expected her to say Hawaii or Paris or maybe even Portugal or Greece, but not Canada. It was cold!

"I was gonna come to Canada." Peyton explained. "With school. Three weeks before leaving Daniel's cancer came back and I never got to go."

"I'll always take you where you want to go." Derek told her, knowing he was finally getting the chance to fix things with Peyton _for real_. "I'd do everything for you."

"I don't think I need much right now. The things I want, I can't have."

Derek knew she was talking about her twin brother.

"Sabrina." Peyton talked again, switching to another topic.

"Who?"  
>"The name for the baby. I really like it."<p>

"I do too."

"I know it could be a boy, you don't need to say it. I just can't face the possibility yet."

"It's alright, Pey. I have a feeling it's a girl."

"Me too. Hey, there's the hut."

"We should call your mom." Derek said after they sat at the table and ordered.

The girl sighed. "I could manage without her anxiety for a few more hours."

"Parents are supposed to worry about their children, Pey. But we can wait half an hour." he winked at her.

"What are we doing tonight?" Peyton asked as she sipped her cocoa.

"Whatever you want."

"A girl I met at the hotel told me there are a lot of DVDs in a room near the hall. There are couches and a fireplace and a TV. I'd like to watch a movie, if no one else is in there."

"Sounds perfect." Derek smiled.

_**x**_

Peyton woke up sweating after an unpleasant dream. It wasn't scary, but at some point Daniel appeared and he wanted to take their mother away with him; then the scenery changed and he was holding the baby, who was a girl but had Daniel's teen boy face. The baby was looking at her creepily, and Daniel turned into some kind of angel, a mean one though. Then she woke up.

Sitting up in bed, Peyton looked at her father on the other bed, finding him awake with his iPad.

He heard her irregular breaths and glanced up. "Hey, sweetie. Are you alright?"

"Yeah." she said, pushing back the blankets. "I woke up. What are you doing?"

Derek patted on the bed beside him. She tiptoed towards him, shivering when her bare feet touched the cold floor.

"I'm writing an email to Meredith."

Peyton looked at the screen and smiled. "You wrote that we both like Sabrina! And that we'll definitely call the baby that. Are you sure she won't mind?"

"She won't." Derek promised. "It's a beautiful name, and we chose it together. _You_ came up with it. She loves you, you know."

"I know."

"Can I ask you something?" Derek asked after a few minutes of silence during which he had added some more sentences to his email.

"Go ahead."

"Is your mother happy?"

Peyton looked at him surprised. Usually Derek's questions were about Daniel, or her feelings, or occasionally Paul (Derek _hated_ Paul), but not Addison.

"The guilt I feel will never go away." Derek explained when he saw her face. "I did something of utterly horrible and unforgivable, and it haunts me at times. I can't fix it with your brother, and you're slowly forgiving me somehow, but I can't stop worrying about your mother. Despite the way I acted and the things I did, I loved your mother deeply, and I will always care for her. Thinking that she might never fully recover kills me inside. I need to hear aloud that she's happy, from time to time."

"She is." Peyton simply said. "She and Mark have loved each other for as long as I can remember, I always knew they did, but now that they're actually together it's like they gained a new lease of life. We're all still mourning Daniel, but I see Mom happy... especially when I'm home though. She worries when I'm not."

Derek didn't answer; he silently sent the email to Meredith, and typed something on google.

"What...? Seriously?"

"Do you want me to?"

"I guess. But..."

"I'll talk to Meredith, Peyton. I'm just looking through prices."

Peyton watched as he looked for houses in New York. "It will be so cool. I could see Roxie and Sabrina every day. I'd call her Bri, by the way."

"Nice nickname." Derek commented. "Let's see if I can manage to find something near your house. Any neighbor who's put their house up for sale? Though I'm not so sure your mom will jump of joy."

"She'll be happy for me. And she likes Roxie. And maybe that way you can make it up to her and be sure that she's happy."

"I like this house." he said, pointed at the screen. Peyton rested her head on his shoulder as they read the description together. It did look perfect.

_**x**_

_"Hey, Peyton!"_

"Uncle Mark!" the girl said cheerfully on the phone. She had expected her mom to answer, but she was happy to hear her uncle's voice.

_"Your mother is busy talking to your aunt right now. We're at your grandmother's house for Nancy's birthday."_

"Wish her the best birthday of her life from me."

_"I will, Princess. How are you doing there?"_

"I love Canada, Uncle Mark. And Dad and I are getting along pretty well. Did you hear I called him dad?"

_"I sure did, kiddo. I take it you're happy to be there."_

"I didn't think it'd go so well. I thought we'd constantly fight, but we're good instead. And don't tell Mom yet, because Dad gas to talk to Meredith first, but Dad wants to move close to us."

_"To New York?"_ Mark sounded surprised.

"Yep, he wants to. I hope Meredith will agree. Well, can I talk to Mom now? We have to go have dinner in a while, and I want to hear her voice."

_"Missing home?"_ he teased her.

"Maybe."

_"Here's your mom, honey. I love you. Bye."_

"Love you too. Bye."

_"Pey?"_

"Mom! Are you okay? I'm having so much fun here, you can't imagine! I love it!"

_"I'm glad you're liking it, baby. And is Derek okay?"_

"Yeah, we're good. We're talking."

_"Good. I miss you, Peyton."_

"Me too, Mom. I'll be home in a few days."

_"I know. I have a surprise for you."_

"What is it? Tell me."

_"I can't tell you, Peyton."_ Addison chuckled, thinking about the puppy she had finally bought after eight years of begging. _"It's a surprise."_

"Fine." the teenager sighed dramatically. "I have to go now, Mom. I'll call you tomorrow. Oh, and I have a surprise for you too!" she announced evilly, referring to her father's house-hunting. With that, she ended the call and ran to Derek, feeling – finally – daddy's little girl.


	22. Ten Fingers Ten Toes

**Secret**

**Chapter twenty-one**

**-Ten Fingers Ten Toes-**

Meredith's contractions started not long after lunch. She woke up from her very short nap feeling uneasy. After about fifteen minutes she realized her discomfort came from contractions, that were still light but made her wince anyway, more for the fear she had of giving birth than for the actual pain. Fourteen years earlier, Roxie had taken her sweet time coming out. Meredith had been told that the pain fades away as soon as you hold the baby, but it was still quite vivid in her memory. She remembered the pain, the screaming, the orders of the doctors, the endless wait. The obsession of doing something wrong. She was so scared. Now she wasn't as scared as before, but she felt nervous and anxious.

She walked out of the master bedroom, needing to find Derek immediately. Instead, she met her daughter in the stairwell. Upset, she hugged her tight.

"Mom? Are you alright?"

Meredith tightened her grip, pressing Roxie against her body.

She suddenly felt very wet. Roxie pulled herself away, looking horrified at their feet.

"The baby's coming." Meredith informed her slowly. "Can you get your dad for me?"

Roxane ran downstairs to her father's office, yelling that the baby was ready to be born, as Meredith slowly walked down as well.

Derek joined her fast, and kissed her softly. "We're going to be parents again, Mer. Don't be scared, okay? I'll get your bag. It's all ready. I'll be right back."

When he ran back downstairs, he took Meredith's hand and kissed it, leading her to the car as Roxie followed them, half excited and half jealous.

"It won't be a boy, will it?"

_**x**_

_It won't be a boy, will it?_ Peyton wondered as she and Addison were looking for Meredith's hospital room. Though Derek had called them immediately from the hospital, New York was four hours ahead in time, and the first available flight was in the morning.

Peyton had forbidden everyone to tell her the gender of her sibling, but at the moment she was so nervous that she felt like her heart was about to explode.

"It's here, honey. Do you need a minute?"

"This is killing me." the girl told her mother, running her fingers through her own brown curls.

Addison looked at her sadly, brushing her thumb against Peyton's cheek. "Are you sure you don't want _me_ to tell you if it's a boy or a girl?" she asked.

"They thing is," Peyton answer, "that you would have told me if it was a girl, even when I said I didn't want to know yet. So, see, I know it's a boy, but I want to see it with my eyes before breaking down."

Walking past Addison, Peyton pushed the white door open, and found herself looking at a family, and she wasn't sure she was part of it. Meredith was on the bed, holding a newborn – the little hat that covered the baby's head was light blue – and Derek and Roxie were at her sides, lost in their love for the tiny creature.

Peyton choked, and felt four pair on eyes on her. She felt her mother's warm hand on her trembling back.

She felt a pulling force lead her out, far away from that picture that burned in her head.

Meredith guiltily placed her son in Derek's arms, and got out of bed quickly. With her eyes she begged Addison to stay there, and let her go talk to her stepdaughter.

Addison nodded, imperceptibly, and took a step to her left, collapsing on a chair in the loud silence of the room.

Meredith caught a glimpse of Peyton's red shirt as the girl disappeared behind a door. Meredith knew it was a closet, and was glad Peyton hadn't gone far.

She opened the door slowly, and felt her heart burn in guilt when she saw the fifteen-year-old sobbing on the floor.

Meredith sat beside Peyton, careful not to touch her – she knew she'd be rudely pushed away.

Peyton calmed down little by little. She wanted to convince herself that it didn't matter, that everything would eventually be okay, that her Danny wasn't less loved now that the baby was actually born; but it took her a while to really start to believe it.

Then, after a few more sobs and a big calming breath, Peyton wiped her tears with the sleeve of her shirt, and tiredly rested her head on Meredith's shoulder.

Meredith wanted to talk, to apologize, but Peyton anticipated her.

"Does he have a name?"

"Not yet." Meredith entwined her hand to Peyton's. "I have a name picked out, but I haven't talked to your dad about it. I wanted to be sure that you and your mom approved first."

"What is it?"

Meredith cleared her throat, afraid of causing another endless cry. "I think...it's just a possibility... I thought we could call him Daniel Callum. He really should have something of his big brother in his name. But we could name him the other way around, Callum Daniel, or choose another name, completely different...or similar, like Dylan or Damien..." she trailed off, almost paralyzed by the girl's silence, but when she looked at her she saw a smile. "So... what do you choose?"

"Daniel would have liked it. And he would love to have a brother, he always told me so."

"We could call him Cal for short." Meredith suggested, knowing none of them could bear to actually call the baby Daniel.

"So Daniel Callum Shepherd, Cal for short?"

"You've taken it incredibly well."

"I knew it was a boy, in my heart I knew. I was secretly preparing myself for it."

Meredith laughed. "Thank God. I had some really bad moments, I kept freaking out about you freaking out."

Peyton's eyes suddenly lit up. "Can we go hold him now?"

They stood up together, hand in hand.

In the room, Addison was still on the chair, but she was staring at the baby – Cal. Derek's lips were curved in a tense smile, and Roxie seemed really nervous and upset.

Peyton smiled at her sister, and then looked at her mother, forcing herself not to grab her brother from their father's hands.

"Mom, Meredith and I talked about the baby's name."

"You did?" Derek and Addison asked surprised at the same moment.

"Meredith suggested a name and I like it, but Mom, we both want you to be okay with it too."

"What's the name?"

"Meredith, you tell her."

Now that Derek was talking about moving to New York, Peyton really wanted her mom and stepmom to get along.

Again, Meredith cleared her throat. "I thought we could either call him Daniel Callum or Callum Daniel... Callum was my grandfather's name." she lowered her eyes for a second, then looked at Addison again. "We'd call him Cal for short...but as I told Peyton, it's just a suggestion."

Addison looked at everyone. Derek looked surprised, like her, but she could read in his eyes that he loved the name. Peyton obviously did too. Part of her felt like they were stealing _her_ name, _her_ son, but she knew it wasn't like that, and a growing part of her liked the name as well. It was a way to remember Daniel, after all.

"It's...okay, I think. I like it. Use it. Yeah, I'm okay with it."

Peyton hugged her mother, holding her tight. She wanted to be happy, that day. When she pulled away, Meredith took Cal from Derek and placed him in his sister's arms carefully.

"You look so sweet together. Roxie, go next to them, I want to take a picture."

Addison smiled weakly, and locked eyes with her ex-husband across the room. They shared a smile, and their eyes told each other a lot of things. Forgiveness, acceptance, affection. A lost love that, from frenetic and painful turned into calm and soft.


	23. Epilogue: Watching Over You

**Secret**

**Epilogue**

**-Watching Over You-**

"Are you okay?" Derek heard Meredith whisper to him as they all waited for Addison to walk down the aisle.

He nodded, not trusting his voice very much at that exact moment. He had been over his juvenile love for Addison for more than a decade, but watching her marry someone else was bittersweet.

Over the last year, ever since he moved to New York with Meredith, Roxie and Cal, he had seen Addison, Mark and Peyton almost every day, and the last months had been the happiest of his life so far, because he was with all his complete family.

He and Mark were starting to rebuild their old friendship, and he was getting closer to Addison as well, making sure she was alright, and it wasn't about guilty feelings anymore, it was because he cared for her and wanted his oldest children's mother to be happy. When Addison announced her engagement to Mark, Derek finally let go of his guilt and regrets for good, knowing she truly had moved on, just like him, and that she was as happy as she said she was and as he wanted her to be.

No one of them felt comfortable enough for him to be the best man, so Mark asked Weiss instead, and Addison's maid of honor was Naomi Bennett, another friend from medical school.

Addison was far from being only beautiful. She was glowing, her curly auburn hair falling on her bare shoulders, in clear contrast with the white lace dress she was wearing, and it framed her smiley face perfectly.

He tried to catch her eyes, just to smile at her, but she was staring at her future spouse with a kind of love that was so strong it surrounded the room and everyone's hearts with warmth and joy.

Peyton squealed, squeezing Roxane's hand in excitement when her mother stopped in front of Mark.

As the priest talked, Derek went back in time to when _he_ had married Addison.

_She wore a light blue dress with cream-color decorations, he had a deep blue suit with a cream-color tie. The ceremony was held in a small church by a friend of theirs, and for once their parents weren't fighting and her brother wasn't drunk (yet) and they were in love._

I do_, he had said, looking into her green eyes as if nothing else existed, holding her hand sweetly as he slipped the wedding band on her finger._

I do_, she repeated, and they couldn't hold back no more and kissed, as their friends and relatives clapped their hands cheerfully with affection at their young love._

"I do." Mark's voice was slightly hoarse but sweet and tender, and Derek saw a tear of joy on his ex-wife's cheek.

"I do."

_I love you, Derek._

_I love you too, Mrs Shepherd._

"I now pronounce you husband and wife!"

Peyton jumped up, unable to hold back her bursting happiness.

"Oh, Mom, I'm so happy for you!" she hugged her as soon as her first kiss as a married woman ended.

"I love you, Pey. And I'm so happy for me too."

Mark joined the hug, placing a kiss on his stepdaughter's head. "I love you two, too."

"Congratulations, you two." Derek joined them, along with Meredith, Roxie and little Cal, who was babbling happily.

"Thank you, Derek."

"Congratulations." Meredith told them as well. "I'm sure you can't wait to go on your honeymoon."

"Our mind is already there." Mark said, laughing.

"Send us a postcard, will you?"

"I'll send you a thousand postcards." Addison pulled her daughter closer to her. "And we'll take a lot of photos and buy you all gifts."

"I want at least two or three, okay? Because you'll come back only two days before my birthday and I need lots of gifts this year."

"We can do that, Pey-girl."

"I'm proud of you, Mom." Peyton said, watching her mother with her Uncle Mark. "I'm so happy everything worked out for us."

"I'm happy too, honey." Addison hugged her again, unable to let her go. Her children had been her main concern for so long that it felt weird having time for herself, let alone a two-week honeymoon on a tropical island!

"We need to go, Addie."

"You behave with your dad and Meredith, Pey."

"Mo-om." Peyton rolled her eyes.

Derek laughed. "She will, Addie. Go say goodbye to the others and go enjoy your honeymoon. You deserve it."

"You do, Mom. Go. I'll be fine."

"I know. Bye, sweetheart. I love you. Bye, Roxie. Bye Cal." she watched the baby boy in Meredith's arms, smiling. She loved Cal, he reminded her of Daniel and he was amazing. "I'll see you soon."

"Have fun, Addie." was Derek's last encouragement, then she and Mark left, accompanied by everyone's cheerful goodbyes.

_**x**_

"Are you okay?" Roxie joined her sister in the backyard, worried. Peyton was sitting on the grass, playing with Cal silently.

"Yes. It's just that celebrating my birthday without Daniel is awful. Not as much as last year, but I feel terrible anyway. He should be here."

"I know." Roxie sat beside Peyton, smiling at her little brother. She glanced inside the house from the window. Peyton chose not to invite her friends over that year, only Jacob and his family because they were family to her and Addison, they always had been. But Daniel was missing, and Peyton hurt more than anyone else. He'd been her half, her person.

"Come with me." Peyton talked again after a while, taking Cal in her arms as she stood up, and Roxie did as she said.

"Where?" she asked when she saw Peyton get in Meredith's car. Peyton didn't have her own car yet, but she was a good driver and Meredith often let her take her car. She usually left her keys in, and for that reason Peyton chose her car instead of her mother's, that she liked more. She needed to drive, and she didn't want to answer questions that would be asked if she went back inside to grab the keys.

"Hurry, Roxane. In or out."

"Alright, I'm coming. Did you make sure Cal is buckled up?"

"He's fine! Come on."

She started to drive, careful as always but a little over speed limits.

"Peyton?"

Roxie was met by silence, so she tried to relax and waited. A while later her sister finally stopped the car in a small parking lot. Roxane understood immediately where they were, she had been there plenty of other times. It was the graveyard where Daniel had been buried.

"Oh."

Peyton knew where she was going. Daniel grave was neat, well-groomed. The girls sat on the grass, and Peyton passed her fingers on her brother's name, carved on the stone. Then she took Cal from Roxie's arms.

"Hey, buddy. See this photo here? This is your big brother. He loves you very much and he's looking at you from up there in heaven." Cal looked at his sister curiously. "I used to think heaven doesn't exist, but then you got here and I'm sure you're an angel Daniel sent me from heaven. Plus, Daniel could only be in heaven. He was the most perfect and innocent person I ever knew. And you're his angel, his gift from him to me. And I want you to know that he'll always care for you." both Peyton and Roxie started to cry loudly, thinking about the brother they lost and about their new brother that would never meet him. Roxie cried because Daniel was her big brother, too, and she never saw him, nor talked to him. "He'll be watching over you. You too, Rox. He's you guardian angel. He'll protect you and guide you and make sure you're safe, always and forever. He'll be watching over you."

_The end_

**A/N: I decided to end this story with Peyton, Roxie and Cal visiting Daniel's grave, because Daniel was what made Peyton look for Derek in the first place, and I thought it was the perfect way to conclude this story. I can't say I'm completely happy to have finished. This is my favorite story so far, among the ones I've written, and I'm sad I won't get to write it anymore. But this was the plan, so unless someone really begs for a sequel and suggests something, or unless I get a new amazing idea to continue writing about Peyton, Roxie and their family, this is it. Thank you for your support, my readers, and for following me through this story. A big thank you for you all. Please, leave one last comment to let me know your thoughts on this last chapter.**


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